And So It Begins

2009-09-27T00:12:00.001-06:00

2009-09-06T08:42:00.002-06:00

wishes

Change your luck now http://www.real-wishes.com

Finally! Some Options...

2006-10-13T23:27:00.000-06:00

I mentioned in a previous, slightly aggrivated, borderline bitter post :) that I do a lot of different things at work, but my business card clearly says "dispatcher" on it. This morning, one of the service techs quit. He walked in, took our supervisor aside, and said that today was his last day. We let one tech (who was never replaced due to buget issues) go some time ago and have been struggling with being one man down since. Being down another is definately not good. We are now booking appointments way into next week, another month end is on it's way (where installations are really pushed to hit the salespeople's paycheques and the month's bottom line), there is a branch-wide full out inventory the last weekend of the month...... you get it.... it's just bad timing!

I did all of the things I needed to do. I took that technician's time off of our schedule (so that fewer hours were available to book up). I arranged with my supervisor that he would go onto the on-call rotation, and that he would be available to pick up some of the overflow calls. That's all pretty easy. It really doesn't affect my job so much.... in fact, I will have fewer work orders to close and bill out, and that will free up even more of my time.

That afternoon, the sales mgr and my supervisor came to see me. Why don't I consider the tech job? They know I have the mechanical aptitude, it only comes down to learning the maintenance and repair. Well, honestly, I am interested in the job. There are a few drawbacks though, not the least of which is that the hours are occasionally unpredictable. It only takes a couple of calls to take longer than expected and your whole day could potentially be behind. This time last year it wouldn't have been a factor. Now, though, with living arrangements changing and schedule coordination about to be an important factor in our home lives, I just can't afford that kind of unpredictability. It's kind of too bad..... I like the idea of learning more about the technical side of the department. Oddly, though, it's not the only option to come up...

The branch manager came down to talk about a maintenance program that we are starting. He actually came to speak with my supervisor in regards to a training session for people we'll need to hire for the program. He turned to me and said that actually, it may be a good idea for me to be trained to do it part time. The idea would be for me to do my current job in the mornings, then head out to do maintenance in the afternoon. He suggested that he'd be able to pay me per job on top of my regular wage. It's absolutely something to think about. It's the same equipment check at each location, so I could predict how many I would be able to do per day, and there would be less of a risk of time running away from me. The details still need to be hashed out, but it's a nice "middle ground" option, and I think I'd enjoy it!

Well, I'll keep ya posted...

A Career Student

2006-10-11T23:15:00.000-06:00

That's what I would be if money and responsibilities and time and obligations were of absolutely no concern.

A month is not a lot of time in the grand scheme of life, but I've spent this whole last month thinking about, among other things, self-improvement and self-image. I sincerely think that I'm ok, but "ok" isn't enough for me. I want to be more - for myself, for my daughter, for my spouse, and for my friends. I feel compelled to grow, to evolve. If you consider what I believe in, I have a lot of catching up to do before I leave this world. Maybe I should just be glad that I know that now, at this point in my life, rather than being oblivious until I was in my twilight years!

Well, I've already mentioned that I have the intention of taking at least one of the Reiki classes, though I suspect I will take all three levels. Reiki is only one of the courses on a very long list.

I want to be more physically. Recently I won a two-week membership at World Health Club. I was hesitant for a lot of reasons, not the least of which I was self-conscious. I do want to do something for my body, though, so I promised to force myself to go every day - if for no other reason, the pass was free, and we know I really like free or super cheap! :) Turns out, I didn't have to force myself to go after all. I love going!! I go everyday at lunch, and I wish my hour didn't fly by so quickly! The pass expires on the 16th, and I really want to sign on as a member. The fees are $50 per month, though, and I don't know that I can pull that off right now. I may get per visit passes at the local Rec Centre, but I suspect that if I go every day or even every second day, I will be paying pretty much the same. The advantage is that I can put my daughter in a swim class or something and go at the same time.

Keeping with the physical aspect, I've always wanted to learn some kind of martial arts. I don't need to be an "n"th degree blackbelt (I have no idea what level it goes to!) but I do think that would be cool. I even have a plan for that one. My brother took Hapkido a number of years back. I don't know if he still does, and I don't know what level he got to. I do have a cell number, though, and I know he lives on the northside of the city. I think I'll work myself up to call him. I'll ask him to teach me whatever he does know, and maybe it'll be some kind of quality time. (maybe not - we never really really got along growing up - it could be a disaster!) He will likely charge me for his time, but he'll still be cheaper than going to a dojo for now.

I took bellydancing a while ago and, though I took myself off of the mailing list twice now, the studio still sends me emails. There is a Hip Hop dance class this month. I'd love to take it right away, but think I will likely have to wait till January when it starts again.

Either way these ideas happen to work out, it's something active, reasonably inexpensive, and at least I'll be doing something.

Well, that's something spiritual (Reiki) and something physical (gym, martial arts, dance) so that leaves intellectual and emotional. As to the emotional growth? I'm not sure I can do much to force the learning there. I will continue to analyze thoughts and my behaviour. I will continue to try to communicate better and be more in touch with my feelings and just be who I am. The only thing that I can think of is that I wouldn't mind meditating more. I used to do it all of the time, (then started again and tapered off again) and while I wasn't always hit with some profound personal revelation, I did seem to "recharge" to some extent. I think that if I could find the time and the peace and quiet it would be helpful to start again. I'm not sure what else I can do with that for now. Suggestions? Anyone??

Intellectually, there are a few things that I can do for free. I can hit the local library and just pick a topic, do all the research on it, and be better off for just knowing. I can join a training course at work that may be beneficial long-term (may end up with a different or more diversified job description and/or a better paycheque - will explain in the next post or two!) or, of course, it may just result in my job description just getting longer! :) The other option of course is to fork out the cash and take a course offered at a community college or something. That leads to all sorts of questions and issues. What do I take? Should I really be investing in anything right now? What kind of time can I devote to a class? I think I'll stick to a freebie for now (even voice lessons are on hold...again...) and when I get more income rolling in, and music lessons are stable and secure (as I find that's very important to me) then I'll start wondering and worrying about what continuing education courses to work on.

Concert from Hell

2006-10-08T15:20:00.000-06:00

During a time in my life when I was upset and feeling lost and adrift, I turned to find some kind of solace in music. I hit the local library and grabbed a few cd's that I hadn't heard before. I do that every now and then - I like thinking that I'm "broadening my horizons" or becoming more... something. I like that I have ecclectic tastes and I love trying new things.

One cd really stuck out and the music struck a chord with me. (no pun intended!) It was upbeat rock music with an edge, full of energy, and lyrics that made me feel good about myself for several different reasons. Listening to the cd made me feel..... better, alive, that things weren't so bad, and that they would be ok. I listened to that cd, practically non-stop for over 6 weeks. (that's 1 renewal and an overdue fine 'cause I couldn't renew again, and couldn't bear to take it back) The cd was "We Sweat Blood" and the artist was Danko Jones.

A few weeks ago I heard on a local radio station that they were coming to town. Within 5 mins I had emailed my best friend to tell her not to make plans, and another close friend just to tell him they were coming to town and that I was absolutely bouncing off the walls about it!!

To make a long story short, my best friend couldn't go, but the close friend agreed to go with me. I bought the tickets, and waited impatiently for the days to roll by. That night we got to the bar at 8 (as per the ticket) and waited till 9 or so for the opening band. (just a note: opening band was Murder City Sparrows and they were awesome!! I'd buy their cd for sure, but I'm not sure if they have one out yet. I'll definitely check, though.....as soon as I catch up on entries....lol)

It seemed like it took forever, but Danko Jones finally hit the stage! I was absolutely on cloud nine!! All the waiting and the anticipation and the excitement - hee hee! - I was actually giddy! Without any intro they started right in..... YAY!!

They sucked.

The lyrics were barely audible from all the "scream" he put into his voice. From the very first bar, you could tell the tempo was completely wrong. The music itself was being played so fast that he couldn't actually finish all of the words in the line - something that should have been corrected by the drummer with the next song, but, as my friend pointed out, the drummer was wearing ear plugs, so maybe he wasn't aware that the singer couldn't keep up?

I don't know if they were hopped up on drugs, or if they managed to get poor quality drugs, or if they were anxious to get the set over with so they could get the good drugs (yes, I do think drugs had to be involved somehow!!) but whatever the reason, the people who were performing that night, and the people who recorded that cd were NOT one and the same. I was SO disappointed!! We stayed for about 4 songs (though it felt like eternity) and then left for Tim Hortons.

Now, at first, being stunned and crushed with disappointment, I vowed never to listen to them again. By the time I got home though I had reconsidered. The music that they had recorded spoke to me and made me feel better when I felt like crap about my life and myself. Extremely bad performance aside, nothing had changed. Those specific songs on that specific cd are good, and were good for me at one point. That counts. I think I'll even pick that one specific cd up anyway. If I buy it there will be no more late fees ( I've "paid" enough to listen to them!!), and it's a great reminder of why I'm leery of going to concerts. Lessons learned!

Food

2006-10-02T00:39:00.000-06:00

Good Lord, do I have a lot of posts to catch up on!! You know, for someone who swore to herself she would write every day........

Ok, so the last couple of posts have been kind of.......well..... anyway.... I had some stuff I needed to say. A lot of people are probably siding with my best friend right now, thinking that I've completely lost my mind, but part of the point of all of this is to get things off my chest - I'm calling it "ramble-therapy", and so far, it seems to be working...?

Thought I'd go a bit lighter for this one! This is another "get to know me" one, and if you think I may be crazy after the serious ones, this one will seal the deal, lol!

I love food! Some of the best conversations, and the best bonding moments happen over food, whether it be quiet dinners, crazy family gatherings, midnight snacks with friends to top off an evening out, munchies while watching a movie - food is more often than not involved somehow.

So, here's all I got on "food"!

First let me say that I love trying new things and will at least sample almost anything you put in front of me. The exceptions would be: any raw meat of any kind (I'm a medium well to well done gal myself) and anything seafood (if it's not mechanically separated, minced, formed, pressed, battered, and frozen, I probably won't touch it!).

I'm not big on a lot of junk foods. I think I eat potato chips probably 4 times in a year now, and that's usually for birthday or barbeque events. I do like popcorn and red licorice, but probably have those a whopping 8 times a year. My biggest vice is chocolate. I think I have chocolate about once every week or two, and I have a particular weakness for chocolate and mint (fave choc bar is a Mint Aero).

Appetizers and snack foods are a whole other story! I would be happy if pretty much all of my meals were a few bites of everything.

I am absolutely a potato girl! My best friend and I have actually been on the quest for the perfect fries and gravy off and on for almost a decade! On vacation one year at Falcon Lake, east of Winnipeg, we stopped in at The Falcon's Nest (just a little place, mostly for the locals) and were spoiled by the best. Now nothing seems to measure up, though we have come close in a few places. I'm finding, though, as I get older (?!) that I'm less into the french fried and more into loaded baked or mashed with gravy. Depends on the mood I'm in, I guess. I should say, though, that nothing will stop the quest..... :)

Just a note: Vegetables should be fresh, but are also acceptable frozen. Canned veggies should be banned, (peas should be a nice bright green, not....olive coloured!) but since I don't see that happening, let's stick to using the canned stuff "in" something, like stews or soups, shall we? They shouldn't just be sitting on the plate as a glaring example of "wrong"! There is only one exception to my canned veggie rule, and that's corn - whole kernel corn, mind you, as creamed corn should not even exist! I myself usually end up using frozen veggies. They are at least guaranteed to not go bad, unless you manage to unintentionally let them thaw on the counter..... (what? I forgot that we bought them!) then you can at least mark it as bad, and use it as an icepack!

Well, let's get the "frozen" thing over with! I can't explain it, but I have a "thing" with frozen foods. I often buy a big bag of mixed frozen fruit. It's awesome used for summertime smoothies, tossed over ice cream, mixed into yogurt (ps - it'll keep the yogurt super cold, too), thawed and used in pies - whatever! I take my love for "frozen" a step or two further, though. That mixed fruit? Put it into a bowl, wait 5 mins or so until they barely start to thaw, then just eat them! It's awesome in the summertime - it's like eating fruit flavoured ice cubes. I like a lot of things frozen - even if that's not the natural state! Yogurt is nice frozen, as are (lol) those "snack pack" puddings (they taste a lot like ice cream), and honestly, I think things like those McCain cakes and cheesecake taste better frozen too! I don't necessarily want them to be hard-as-a-rock frozen, but they should be hard to cut through! One of the guys at work actually suggested that I'd enjoy frozen marshmallows - he loves them - and I'd really like to try them!! If only I could remember to stick marshmallows in the freezer..... who thinks of that??? On a more normal note, I like my ice cream frozen, too..... :)

Mmmmmm, ice cream.... I love it, but I do have a rule for it, too. Sharing ice cream is a bit tricky. So long as it is frozen solid, there's no problem, but when it starts to melt, I just can't do it! It was actually my best friend that put it in the best terms. She says that when it melts, it starts to look like spit. I don't know that it looks like "spit" exactly, but it has the same "repulsion" factor for me! Eeeeeeewwwwwww!

I'm not a big meat eater, but have to say that if you either marinate it or cover it in Montreal Steak Spice, and if the meat is on the thin side, I really enjoy a steak. (and yes, I'm one of the rare freaks that will put ketchup on her steak and think that it's perfectly normal!) I will almost always eat chicken and turkey, ham is usually ok and roast beef rocks. It's not that I won't eat meat, or don't enjoy it, I just want smaller, thinner sliced portions than, well, almost anyone else!

I have a problem eating food on bones. Ribs, drumsticks and wings are complicated, mostly 'cause they are finger foods. Steaks with bones are less tricky 'cause I can cut the meat away from the bone before it ever gets near my mouth.

I will often sit down to a hearty meal, sure that I'm starving, and end up only eating 1/2 of it. Even if I haven't eaten all day, I only make it part way through before thinking I'm completely stuffed! I wish I could keep eating! One of the many things to my "backward" physiology is that if I could eat like a cow, I'd look like "Twiggy", lol. Whether it be big meals or lots of snacks, I seem to be able to lose weight like crazy when I stuff food in my mouth 24/7! Honestly, though, all that chewing seems like a lot of work by about dinnertime, and I end up not enjoying anything!

I love trying new restaraunts and finding the bizarre places that few people know of, though up until recently I haven't really been able to do that. It's definately worked into future plans.

Oddly, while I haven't eaten breakfast during the week since grade 7, I really love a big, all out breakfast on the weekend. The trick is that I need to be up for at least an hour before I can even think about eating. So much for ever getting breakfast in bed......... :) If not in an omelette, eggs are best scrambled (Oddly enough, my egg preference stems from a Grade 8 science thing, before which I enjoyed eggs cooked in all sorts of ways!), perfect bacon should be cooked enough that it's not all floppy, but not enough to be considered crispy, and sausage tastes best with a bit of ketchup. Mmmmmmm....... breakfast.......

My favorite (and most versatile, in my opinion) food on the planet would be cereal. It's an anytime anywhere kind of thing. It's made for breakfast, sure, but I think it also makes a great lunch, dinner, tide-you-over munchie, midnight snack - I could go on, here, but you get my point! Cereal Rocks!

I'm also a "dunk-dunk" girl. (that would be "dips and sauces" for the grown ups!) My daughter and I can dunk almost any food into something!

I'm sure there's more - I'm pretty "quirky" - but I can't think of anything else right now...... Next!

Odds and Ends

2006-09-27T19:21:00.000-06:00

One:

I started writing all about what I believed in, and completely lost steam. Writing it was difficult for a lot of different reasons, most of which I shared. Also, it was a bit unreasonable to think that one entry could possibly cover such a complicated and indepth topic. I thought about deleting the thing, but decided that I'd probably do the same thing in a conversation too, so I may as well just leave it be! It turned out that I managed to be reasonably clear, so it worked out all right this time! That would be more about me, I guess. I work myself up to do or say something, and in my anxiety to get everything out, I end up spewing things that sometimes seem disjointed or choppy. Best case scenario usually ends up being a skewed sounding general overview, open to all kinds of misinterpretation. Worst case is usually that I end up not saying anything I meant to, and what I do say comes out incomplete and actually is misinterpreted!

A fine example would be the other day. I was letting a friend know that I understood a problem that he was having. The first part went fine. What I should have said next is that waiting sucked - that having to stand back and let other people make decisions that potentially affect us and our lives is hard, that things being out of control and/or out of our hands is brutal. I should have said that it was hard not to be able to be there for the people that he loved because he just couldn't be, and that those people ultimately had to make their decisions for themselves. (again, vague, but it's necessary!). What actually came out of my mouth was something to the effect that it was hard to have to change something so personal and so close to his heart so that the people he loved weren't negatively affected. (I know that doesn't make any sense, but it'll have to do - the details aren't the point, here!). That was sad to me, but again, not his issue.That wasn't his problem, it was one of the things - the most recent in a long list - that bothered me about his situation. The conversation ended with me feeling that I had screwed up (and I did, however unintentionally) and that I had said exactly the wrong thing, and I think he felt that I really didn't understand (and how would he have gotten any other message!).

Two:

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I think about my life, the lives of my family and friends. I think about things as individual occurrances, and as one small ripple in a very big pond. I'm not used to doing that. There was a time when it came easily, or at least more easily, but as I said before, I have been such a bystander in my own life for so long..... Will I ever get back to where thinking comes more easily? Is it possible to "re-learn"? I hope so. Now that I see the differences in where I am and where I was, I want so desperately to be there again.

Three:

A friend and I were chatting online the other day. He had had a seriously crappy few days (understatement!) and didn't want to talk to anyone. He found me online and we started talking. (this may have been a rare time I did not screw up :) ) We wondered why the two of us always ended up wanting to be there for each other. That we always "seem to magnetize to each other" is how he put it. It makes me wonder what we were to each other in a past life. I really wish I was the type who could "tap in". Maybe that can be learned over time too. It would come in handy!

Well, it's girls' night out with my best friend tonight. It'll be an early night so we need to make the time count with this one!! I think we both need to talk aloud to each other and get some feedback. We each need a good meal, and a good conversation over a good coffee.

Yeah, I'm Cheap

2006-09-27T00:31:00.000-06:00

I've said that I'm cheap and that that's a whole other post. This is it!

Actually, there's not a whole lot to tell after "I'm cheap"except that it's not so much a financial thing as it is a matter of principle! Really, why pay regular retail prices if you don't actually have to?!

My daughter and I buy a lot of our clothes at thrift stores like Value Village (preferably at the 50% off sale they have every few months!!), or at some consignment stores (though, to take it to a whole new level of "cheap", once you pay $3 for a sweater at a thrift store, it's almost painful to pay $6 for a sweater at a consignment place!!) There aren't a lot of things in my closet that I paid much more than $10 for, and most were under $6. I will buy the occasional piece of clothing at a regular retail store, but it's generally the one or two pieces that not only reflect seasonal fashions, but also the ones that are found on the clearance rack at an additonal 50 - 75% off of the sale price! As for my daughter? Well, she's 3, and it bothers me more than words could possibly describe to pay retail prices for items she will only wear for a few months before she outgrows them! Again, she will get the occasional retail item, but I can promise you that it was picked off of a clearance rack too!

On the rare occasion, my daughter will have her heart absolutely set on something that isn't on sale. She is so, so good about most things, though, (ok, and we are all pretty wrapped!) that if the item is even a little bit reasonable, we'll often cave. I'm such a bad influence on the poor thing! Her favorite store is Dollarama!! How cool is that, lol? Oh, she still wears brand new Disney and Gap and Tommy Hilfiger, but she gets that kind of thing from out of town relatives at birthdays and for Christmas. That completely works for me - it's nice to have something a little nicer on occasion. For the most part though, she's a pretty rough & tumble kind of gal, and is just fine in her 99 cent t-shirt and $1.99 pants!

Wow - I'm looking around the house thinking of this next paragraph, and it occurs to me that almost everything I own I got for free, or at an insanely low price (used/second-hand or super- clearance) or in the rare instance that we really wanted it, at least on sale!

The BargainFinder is about to be my best friend (along with the thrift stores, of course!!) to get things like furniture and appliances for either myself or my husband. Some may shy away from "used" for furniture, but I can likely sew a slipcover for a couch or something, and there's not a lot that a coat of paint or new varnish can't fix! Since the computer was hooked up to the net (in June) I have a new love - ebay! - and while I haven't checked it out yet, there is good ol' Overstock. I suspect when I get some extra cash coming in, they will be my best friends too!

Even the vehicles that I've purchased recently are cheap! Now, granted, they are old vehicles (I would have no chance at fixing something fuel injected for instance and the parts for new vehicles are very expensive!!) and wouldn't be very expensive anyway! The last vehicle I bought was a full sized van with a bench seat that unfolds like a futon into a bed. Yes, it's one of "those" vans!! In my defence, there was a long road trip out east to visit relatives, and it was nothing if not very comfortable!! It needed a new engine (we got that for free from a friend who happened to have an extra - don't ask) and a smaller window needed to be replaced. I paid $150 for the van, $50 for the window. My husband contributed his thumbnail and a piece of his thumb to the cause (what? it was a very small piece!!), so for $200 bucks and a little blood, we even had something to camp in!! The drawback for this one, though is the gas, which is completely "anti-cheap" but I really do love that van!!

The vehicle before that was our first second vehicle. I was newly pregnant and with doctor's appointments, and maternity leave looming ahead we sucked it up and paid $10 and a dozen peanut butter cookies for that one!! lol - even to write it makes me giggle!!

There are a few things that I splurge on if I feel the need. I have a very unhealthy shoe fetish. I don't know why I need so many pairs of shoes, and I keep promising to get rid of some, but...there will always be a new pair calling to me from the storefronts! Even with shoes, though I will abstain or wait till they drop the price - at least a little! I pay more than I should for my face wash and moisturizer . Together, reg price they come to $35 (though if you wait, then stock up, you can get the set for $10 - I just bought 2 sets!) and they last about a month and a half. My other weakness is my makeup. Now, I only recently started wearing makeup, and everytime I smeared that liquid goop on my face I could actually hear all of my tiny pores scream "we can't breathe!!!". This is a mineral make up ( crap, I didn't want this to be a plug!! The name is "SheerCover" - just check out any infommercial! - this stuff is really amazing!!)

Suffice it to say that if it's not on sale or on clearance, I will either fix what I already have, make due without it or create my own! Otherwise, how badly could I possibly need it?? :)

Honestly...

2006-09-26T01:57:00.000-06:00

If writing what I believe in was hard, this is more difficult and more painful than I could possibly put into words! I mentioned very briefly the affair that I had. I mentioned that I felt that I loved him. I mentioned that one of the reasons that I started this was to finally open up and let go and allow myself to be able to give everything to just one soul someday.

I feared that in writing this blog, in trying to bare my heart and my soul and still manage to maintain anonymity that I would neglect that total honesty. That fear has come to life and this post is meant to correct and clarify, and make me face a humility (and in part, I guess, a humiliation) that I don't know that I'm ready for.

I should have done this first. I should have come clean right off the bat, and now I face the judgement of those that read this, and those 3 people that I know in "real life" that I've told about this journal. Still, I have to tell someone. Ironic, though, that my desire for honest feedback and to be honest with myself so conflicts with my terror of being ridiculed or judged. Ironic, too that taking so many steps forward has created the need to go back to the beginning. Maybe I should just be thankful that the steps I took were small ones, and that I wasn't so far from the beginning as I could have been.

Okay. Deep breath.

The "affair" was meant to be just that. I was looking for someone that I could be physical with, and happened to find someone that I could talk to as well. I looked at that as just a bonus - at least there was a relationship, a friendship even. Sometimes I still feel myself reeling over how fast I fell for him. I tried desperately to rationalize this. I was lonely and needed to talk. He was a great listener and had such great insights into so many things. He was different from most of the people in my life and maybe my heart just needed that. I find him incredibly attractive. He is very intelligent - a real turn on for me. He gave me attention that I needed and was lacking at home. He wanted to know me - I mean really know me. How could I not think that there was more than there really was? How could I not think that I loved him?

It didn't matter how much I tried to rationalize or argue the point. I really did love him. I still do. I really was in love with him. I still am.

Being "dumped" isn't where my heartache comes from. It sucks, and I won't lie - yes, it hurts, but it happens. I can handle being dumped, and really, he's still in my life - he just didn't feel there was a chance for a relationship other than friendship. There are some things I need to work through, but I truly do believe that I am a better person with him in my life, and that my life is better with him in it.

That relatively minor pain was compounded by the fact that there was someone else. Now, wait! We were already "only friends", no matter what my heart believed may happen, and all he and this "someone else" did was talk. They had a connection, and combined with other circumstances at the time, he found her easy to talk to. He decided that he loved her, and that he wanted to get to know her even better. He felt she may be "the one". When he told me about her, he mentioned that "we" were "hard" and that he wanted something that came that easy. Even that I can accept.... with some difficulty, granted, but I can. I personally think that anything worth having is worth working at, but I do see his point, and really, I'm coming out of a relationship where everything is hard! (so really, maybe it only seemed less hard to me) We had our own sets of circumstances - of course it was complicated!

It was hard to hear some things. He had told me at times during our relationship that he had one feeling or another and that no one had done that for him in a long time, or that no one had done that for him ever. Then, in some discussions he would say the same about her. Now in some cases he was speaking of something entirely different than the feeling he and I had discussed, and those few that were the same? well, I'd like to believe that he meant "on a different level" or "in a different way" somehow. I don't know. It's hard to hear him speak of missing her, and wanting to talk to her and be with her, but to be fair, he can't help his feelings any more than I can help mine. (I'm about to be deliberately very vague - this is his story to tell if he chooses, not mine!) And now that it looks like things will be even more complicated between them, and that nothing may happen between them for at least a good while, it's hard for me to think that he doesn't think that I get what he's going through. He believed with all of his heart and soul that he found "the one" and can't have her. How can I NOT get that? I believed with all of my heart and soul that I had found "the one" too, and now he is my friend. I still can't decide if it's a blessing or a curse that his "one" lives a substantial distance away. On the one hand, he is saved from having almost constant contact, and on the other, it's hard to not have her in his life somehow. (I couldn't imagine my life without him in it!) OMG! Of course I get it!!!

Well, if you are still looking over this picture, wondering exactly what level of foolishness I can possibly aspire to, let me give you the last piece of the puzzle. What hurts me the most, is that he is in so much pain. It kills me to see his heart ache so much. It kills me to not be able to take it away for him, even though I know that pain and heartache and loss - in any form - is a means of growth. In this time in his life when he so needs someone to turn to and talk with I so want for him to feel able to come to me. (my best friend rolls her eyes, here!) I know that y'all are thinking that I've completely lost my mind. But you know what? He does talk to me. He does tell me his feelings, and he does take some of my advice to heart. He always seems like he's holding back, though. (Yeah, like I'm one to talk!!) I hope in time he can realize that there is no judgement with me. There is nothing he can say to me to make me think he is "less". There is nothing that we cannot discuss (now that I'm not such an emotional chickenshit, lol - this blog thing really is working, just in smaller steps than I would have liked!) and we have already had some kinda "big" discussions. There isn't anything that I wouldn't have a conversation with him about, no topic off limits. And there is almost nothing I wouldn't do for him if it were in my power to do it. I wish to God I could get that through to him! Here's hopin' he figures it out over time!

Well, I'm really not done with this, I don't think, but I do think it's all I can do at the moment. Right now, I'm going to take the time to catch up a bit, and fire off another couple of "easy" posts!

Month End Rant

2006-09-25T23:26:00.000-06:00

I have a couple of serious, heartfelt drafts on the go. I'm having a hard time writing them (tears, deep breaths, take a break for a minute, blah, blah, blah) and a hard time thinking I'll actually post them. Now, if I was smart, I would post them, then post a bunch of "light-hearted" or "get to know me" or "this was my crappy day" ones immediately afterwards. You know, to push them lower on the list, and hope that people just read the most recent ones! Sadly, not so smart, so....

If I could take just a moment to go off the deep end here??

In the beginning, there was a job. I did my job, and I went home. Should there have been anything that came up that did not fall within the scope of said job, I simply forwarded it to someone else, and it magically went away, or was fixed to the point that I could continue with my work unhindered. Now, wait a minute! That's the way my company worked. We each had a specific job to do, and that was it. So long as everyone did that very specific job that they were hired to do, life went merrily along. On the rare occasion when the mistake was mine, I would receive a polite email advising me of the error. I would correct it, and email back, to advise that it was corrected, and thank you for pointing it out. (I should mention that hell would have frozen over at the company I was hired on at before anything was missed and we all pitched in and made sure that everything got done!! - then we were bought out, and the company that bought us, my current employer, took everything that they liked about our little hole in the wall and "fixed" it, made it "better" and everything went downhill from there.....what? me? bitter?)

Anyway, over the next couple of years, a lot of people started coming to me with a lot of things that were not in my job description. I've mentioned that for the most part I like the people I work with (though I would appreciate them never knowing that - I have a reputation as an opinionated bitch to uphold!). I took care of a few things, just to be nice, then a few things more, just cause it needed to be done. I have an exceptonal working knowledge of our computer system, and everyone comes to me to find out how to do something, then, since I know how..... could I just do it? just this once? It goes on and on..... I started questioning things coming across my desk, and was actually once told to just process the things in the pile (from management). Sadly, though, I'm not the kind of person that it's advisable to say that to. So "innocent" inquiries from the "blonde girl who was just wondering if there were new procedures in place?" started to hit head office........ see? there's a reason I have the reputation I have!! Things got worse, I started hating my job, and I decided to quit. (if you've read this whole thing you already know that it wasn't just work, but for the intention of this post....)

I changed jobs within the company 2 years less a month ago, and I love my job. That is to say "I love the job as stated in my job description". In addition to my actual job, I also have my hand in inventory control, customer service, invoicing, commercial projects (which I had to take in order to get a wage increase that still puts me at slightly less than some non-management positions at certain coffee and donut establishments!) and I do 3 out of 4 month end reports (not including the ones that managers have to do - they are on their own!!)

I start my month end duties a week ahead of time (I start on Monday for the Friday cut off). On Monday, Wednesday and Friday I do my 3 month end reports so that I can check on the progress of data entry, correct billing dates keyed incorrectly at head office, make sure that certain new customers are billed out for purchases, and keep track of what I need to do, and what I need to follow up on. Tuesday and Thursday, I work like hell trying to make sure that the next time I print the month end reports, they are as cleared off and up to date as possible. I try to arrange the day on Friday so that I don't have to stay too late (work done that day needs to be included in month end, and I need to ensure that it's processed)

This is month end week.

21 days out of every month I pray that it will be different, and dread that it won't be. Today, I got into a fight with the sales manager over having to babysit his staff. He's the manager, babysitting is clearly his job. (I will tell more when the disagreement is resolved). I have a lot to do for month end. I have a lot to do, period. So if I seem to be irritated that management is at my desk 3 times a day asking where we are (when, by the way, they are able to print the same reports I do!!), or is discussing how to streamline certain procedures or add or remove them altogether, or asking if I think I can get it done in time..... I AM!!!

I would like to say this.

Do you think, just for a moment, that I would be able to accomplish more without you folks all hanging out at my desk, pestering me with stupid questions that you could answer on your own if you took 2 seconds to think for yourself? Do you think that it would be beneficial to not have your employees spread quite so thin? ( it's not just me ready to snap, here!!) Do you think that I may be bitter because the NEW gal out front in reception reads her book and texts her friends and plays around on her new laptop right at the front desk, right in front of customers, right in front of a security camera??? and instead of taking a look at that possibly being an issue you give me a "look" for checking my personal email during the day? Deep breath...... Last review I was rated as a 4 (a 5 would be a role model and stellar example of an ideal employee, by the way!) It was even noted in that same review how one employee took 2 days off for a wisdom tooth extraction, and when I went to the dentist for the same thing, I took 2 hours off and then came back, mouth full of bloody gauze, JUST TO DO MONTH END!!

So, to the management "team" - do me, and yourselves a favour. Leave me alone. If almost 7 years of making sure that things got done isn't enough to give you any faith in my abilities and my loyalty, and my sense of duty..... FIRE MY ASS AND BE DONE WITH IT!!!

( I know you won't though - you don't dare lose any employee even remotely willing to work for this wage unless you are willing to offer the 3 weeks vacation immediately, which is currently the only benefit for me to stay)

Thanks. I don't really feel better, but you better believe I'm ready to spew this post - verbatim - at the next poor shmuck who comes to my desk tomorrow!!!

Crazy

2006-09-24T03:04:00.000-06:00

Still one more day to go, and this weekend has already been crazy!

Friday night was my best friends birthday bash. We did the same thing we always do when one of us has an event - dinner and dancing. I love the restaurant we went to - yummy food in huge portions, with a choice of 2 huge side dishes. I almost always get the garlic mashed potatoes - seriously good and topped with crispy fried onions - and the roasted veggies (peppers, green beans, carrots, and red onion). Oooooh, ooooh! The prices are really good, too. (I'm really cheap - that's a whole other post!)

After dinner we went to the bar we always go to...... it's changed since last we were there..... we'll be looking for another place to go. It used to be divided into two seperate sides, one for hard rock (usually a live band) and one for dance tunes. Well, now the whole dance side has been shut down, and moved to a bar just down the road. The bright side I guess is that you get 2 free drinks if you're willing to go down the road to get them!

Half the bar was missing, the live band kind of sucked, the new bar with the free drinks didn't play the same kind of dance music (none of us had a clue what most of the songs were!)..... Still, I had the best time out I had had in a very long time! Thanx, babe! Happy Birthday!

Tonight (last night? this morning? I'm writing this at 3:00 am on Sunday!) I did the virtually unthinkable - well for me, anyway. I decided at the last minute to go to a club I had never been to with a gal I don't really know very well (we worked together, but she's been gone a while). I left the house at 10:30 (who starts their night that late?), drove all the way across town (where I don't normally drive), to the Spanish bar I had never even heard of till recently, and stood outside alone talking to some of the smokers while I waited for her.

I had an awesome time tonight too! The music was cool, I really like the gal I went with though I don't know her all that well, and everyone there was so...... friendly! I'll absolutely go again, it was a blast!!

Well, I mentioned it was 3am, and it's only getting later. I doubt very much my husband will have any sympathy when I'm tired tomorrow, so I need to get some sleep!

Well, it's now 11:15 PM and Sunday is almost over. I feel personally that I have entries to catch up on, and was actually going to make this a seperate one but that felt a bit like cheating, so I'm tacking it on to the original post!

Just a couple of notes:

First, I went out twice this weekend and spent a collective 7 hours just dancing! Cool, but I managed somehow to move muscles that aren't used to getting that much of a work out, and as pathetic as I think this makes me sound, I'm kinda really stiff and sore!!

Second, I have a thing for bald guys (or long-haired guys, don't ask, I don't understand it myself, and it's the bald guys that are the point right now!!). I would just like to say, that I have never, EVER seen so many tall, good looking bald guys in one room ever in my life!!! WOW! Now, I'm not currently looking to "hook up" or anything, but I would go there just for the eye-candy!! (did I mention: WOW?) Ok, I will let it go..... for now....

I had such big plans for today. I needed the facial that I try for once a month. I seriously need a pedicure - I have to book in for foot surgery and want them to look a little bit like I take care of them! (I should mention that I would love to romanticize it and leave it at surgery, or tell you that I need to "have a lump removed" - it would sound way cooler. Truth is that the lump is on my foot, and it's really just extra tissue. I just don't like it, and it's purely a matter of esthetics to remove it. My doctor joked about using coloured markers on it to turn it into a happy face or a flower, but in the end he caved!) I also wanted to do a manicure - my poor nails have been seriously neglected! They are missing small chunks of gel out of the corners, there's quite a bit of grow out (the gap between where the gel ends and the cuticle), and while my real nails underneath are just as long as the nail appears to be, my natural nail breaks easily, so I try to keep them covered in gel. The house needs to be cleaned, I needed to go to Sobey's (dollar days), and the list goes on......

What really happened is that I couldn't be bothered with the facial, too lazy and tired to do the pedicure (I'll just book the "surgery" for later in the week, or early next week!) I ended up taking a nap on the couch this afternoon, so even though I was no longer tired or feeling lazy I still ran out of time to catch up and do the pedicure. I was about to start my nails when I realized I was out of white gel (for the tips) and running low on clear gel. I would happily just run to the distributor's to pick some up, but the one I go to is only open Mon-Fri. There are other places, but they won't let you purchase without showing your "Nail Technician" certificate, and I lost mine almost as soon as I finished the course (which is why I go to the Mon-Fri one - they have me on file). So, no nails. I was waiting for my husband and daughter to get back from a bike ride to go to Sobeys, but needed eggs so I ran out to pick some up. I came home and baked a Peach Upside Down Cake, but realized too late I was out of vanilla..... I think you get the picture!

The house did not get cleaned, we did not go to Sobeys, manicure, pedicure, and facial all fell by the wayside. It'll all get done, just not today! I did manage to bake the Peach USD Cake, though. One of the guys at work promised to bring in some banana cake, and I thought it would be nice to at least offer him something in return. He (like most men!! lol) has a thing with baked goods, and I know the Peach thing is one of his favorites. Mmmmmmm, can't wait for banana cake!! If he's as good at cooking as he is at baking, he's gonna make a very good wife for some lucky gal! (KIDDING!!!)

Here's hoping Monday doesn't suck! lol

I Believe...

2006-09-23T19:36:00.000-06:00

This is one of the most personal things that I could write, and the one thing that I haven't really talked about with anyone in a very long time. The few people who I have spoken to about this are long gone from my life, and I keep this topic pretty much closed. To the precious few people in my life that I would share this with, it's more of a conversational topic, and one that requires several hours and even more cups of coffee!

Smoke 'em if you got 'em - this is a long one!! lol

I was asked once what I believed in. What I held to be true insofar as religion and spirituality was concerned. Every time it came up, I managed to avoid the conversation. I realized in writing this blog that I used to talk about it all of the time. Why did I shy away from the conversation with this friend, and not the others?

I think I have it figured out. Back then, I was much more in touch with what I believed. It's easier to speak of the things that you've thought about recently, than things you've pushed to the back of your mind because something more "immediate" always has your attention. Also, I have incredible respect for this friend. Not that I didn't respect the others, but in terms of spirituality, every day of this friend's life is lived according to what he holds dear.

I have always had a problem with organized religion. I grew up going to a Mormon church for 3 hours every Sunday. I spent my summers at a Baptist bible camp, and as late as high school, I attended youth group events with my friends (Presbeterian, and Evangelist). The problem is that with all that exposure, I still only found a handful of people that lived what they believed. Most people, including my friends at the time (which, indirectly, is partly why I don't have any contact with them today) and over half of my cousins (there are 30 in all - maternal side only!!!) were complete hippocrites.

I've been able to really think about a lot of things lately, which brings me some peace, but this is embarrasing for me, and quite honestly I'm having a hard time writing this!

I believe that the very old and the very young among us - those who are closer to that point in the circle of life at which creation begins and ends - possess a more accute ability to "tune in" to the universe. For instance, children who instinctively seem to "know" things, and the elderly who are percieved to be especially "wise". There are those that have that ability throughout their lives, and there are those who can learn the ability, should they bother to try, but for most I believe that we simply lose our way, and that the demands of our lives, our circumstances, our trials and tribulations of the here and now interfere with the what was and what could be.

I believe that in each life we are meant to learn and to grow and to evolve, and that we are reincarnated over and over until we have learned enough and grown enough to move on. Recently I read - I wish I could remember where - of a theory that each of our lifetimes reflects a different aspect of a complete personality so that we can learn and explore each of those facets. I haven't had much time to really ponder and decide if I subscribe to that theory, but it is a good one, and it's something to think about.

I believe that whether you call the higher power out there God, Allah, or Universal Life Energy, it is out there. I believe more in the idea of an "energy" but I think that it's because it scares me to think of a single all-seeing, all-knowing being watching and judging and orchestrating our lives. Also, I've been able to reconcile the more mundane things that I believe to be true with the idea of an "energy" or "force".

I believe that a lot of our lives are affected by intention, or the power of thought - that positive thinking begets positive events, and vice-versa.

I believe that there is a universal energy that swirls all around us, that holds all of the "imprints" of what came before, what is now, and what could/will be in the future, and that all of life's answers can be found there.

I believe in a "super conscious". I believe that the super-conscious is the part of us that can tune in to the world - the part that "connects" us with other living beings, and the part that can tap in to that universal energy.

I've changed my mind. This isn't going to be nearly as long as I thought, because I believe that listing everything I believe will take whole other blog!! I am nowhere near finished with this one. There are so many things to say in my head I just can't keep them all straight, and this is another topic that will have to be covered over time!

About 2 1/2 years ago, I decided to look into taking a course. I had nothing in mind, but I knew that I wanted to take something - anything, really. I thought of taking an introductory French program to brush up on everything that I've forgotten from high school, but wasn't able to take either first or second level as I had already taken French 20S (the equivalent of French 30). I thought about Spanish (and should reconsider, given that I may need it to keep up with my daughter!), Mythology, Microeconomics and a million other things, but only one really caught my eye. Reiki.

I'm not an expert and wont claim to be overly knowledgeable. I didn't end up taking the course, but that was due to just not being able to pull the extra cash out of the budget at the end of the day, but I will take it as soon as I am able. That said, Reiki is the art of healing done by channelling energy into the body and the mind. I started researching Reiki - to find out more about it, to be prepared to answer the questions I would be asked, and to defend my decision to take the course when I got the inevitable eye-roll from the people who I told!! I realized that I was seeing, in plain, black and white english a lot of the things I believed to be true. Reading about Reiki put me on the track to finding my way back to the spiritual path I wanted to be on - the one I was on years ago. In reading about it, I found out that Reiki works in part by intention (the power of thought), that it is the channelling of life-force energy (universal energy all around us).

This is not embarassing because of what I believe. My beliefs are just that.... mine. It's embarrassing to me because I don't live what I believe. I have a long way to go, but it was learning about Reiki that also gave me the key to taking the first steps all over again. There are 5 basic guidelines. They are:

Just for today, I will not anger
Just for today, I will not worry
Just for today, I will be grateful
Just for today, I will work hard
Just for today, I will be kind to others

Sound advice for everyone, I think.

Have I Been Selfish?

2006-09-21T13:15:00.000-06:00

I've missed a couple of days, and now have entries to catch up on!

I asked in my very first post that if someone should happen to read this that they also make a comment. I meant it - the comments that perfect strangers post, people who just happen to look in for a few moments on my life, make me take a moment and think. Do they have a point? Am I doing the right thing? Should I be reconsidering some of the decisions I make in my life? Accolades or admonishments, I really do appreciate the feedback.

There were a few comments on my last post that made me take some time and think. Am I being selfish? Am I being unreasonable? Should I be trying harder to make this work? Should I be giving my marriage more time?

There have been problems in our relationship, true. Any relationship has some issues, and the mere fact that there are some things that need to be worked on would not cause me to go so far as ask for a divorce.

I did vow to love my husband till the day we die - and I will. He is good man. He is good-hearted and I absolutely love how his eyes light up and how animated and boyish he becomes when he talks about or is involved in something he is passionate about. While it often is a drawback for me, I do appreciate how he gives his time to help other people - with fixing cars and trucks and boats, with moving, with fixups around their houses, running to the scrapyard, or taking things to the dump, or even just hanging out with them because they need him to be there. He's a good dad. He has so much patience when it comes to our daughter learning new things, and is so understanding when she feels frustrated or discouraged. He makes sure she has outside time every day whether there ends up to be time for it or not. He wants her to go bike riding, roller skating, and everything else there is - and he takes the time to ensure that she gets to try those things. He taught her how to ski, and this winter there will be skating too. He's thinking that he'd like to take her for swimming lessons right away, too. He is a good person, and not a soul that knows him can or would say otherwise, including me.

He does not light up when he talks or thinks about me. He doesn't devote that time or that energy into being there for me or doing things for me. I drive around with our daughter all of the time, but mine is the last vehicle to be looked at. We can have plans and he will break them to run to the aide of someone else. I've planned romantic weekends and told him about it, and he's chosen to go skidooing with his buddies instead. I don't expect to come first all of the time, but every now and then would be nice.

There is not a force on this earth save death itself that would make me restrict the time that our daughter spends with her own father. She is OURS and she will always need her dad in her life. He will always need his baby girl in his life. There is no situation when it comes to our daughter that cannot be resolved, somehow, someway. We will both always be involved in her life, and that will not change, regardless of how our individual lives may evolve.

I do believe that I deserve better from my life. I also believe that my husband and daughter do too. I am not happy, and I deserve to be. How does my husband feel knowing that I'm not happy and that he can't make me happy? How would you feel? He deserves to be happy too, and I cannot be the one that does that for him. He deserves to have someone in his life that does. My daughter certainly deserves better. She has her entire life in front of her and I don't want her growing up seeing the things that I saw. I don't want her to see me doing it all by myself and thinking even subconsciously (for that's how we fall into these things - I certainly did) that that is ok. I want her to see her mom and her dad as whole complete people who are happy and at peace with who they are, even if they are not together as a couple.

Another comment cautioned me to be sure about my decision. It made me think about the times that my husband was there for me - I mean REALLY THERE - and realize that they exist, but are few and far between.

I do know what tires are on my vehicle. (you'll have to read the comment if this sounds terribly disjointed!) I've removed, repaired, rebuilt, and replaced more engines than a lot of men. I do my own brakes, and my own oil changes. Recently, with my husband's help, granted, I did my own rotors, brakes and shocks. I can cook and bake and sew and crochet, too, by the way :). I grieve and suffer on my own - he has no clue how I want or need him to be there for me, and I will take a lot of the blame for that - I likely wasn't clear.

I comforted him and saw him through the death of his grandmother, both of his grandfathers, his aunt, and his dog. At five months pregnant, it was me pushing his car out of the snow and ice so he could get to work. It was me that stayed home and stayed up nights studying with him when he was in school, grilling him until he was ready for exams. I could go on with this, but I think my point is made. This isn't to say he hasn't done nice things for me. He can actually be very sweet. I realize that romance isn't always flowers and kisses but it should be on at least the rare occasion! I know beyond doubt that he would never raise his hand to me. I know for a fact he would never be intentionally vindictive. I thought it was enough, and I did stay. If it really was enough I would stay.

I don't want to stay because it's not bad. I want to stay because it's great, or at least good.

And it is not good.

I do think this is best for everyone. For my husband - he gets the chance to find someone who is happy with him, and can make him happy. He gets freedom from my sadness, and my nagging and my intolerance. He gets to develop an independence that he never got a chance to. He gets to take a look at his life and our life and decide for himself what makes him happy and whole and what's important enough to him to work towards and fight for.

For my daughter - she will grow up with a loving family who happens to live apart. I want for her to be able to look at each one of us and find virtues and strengths that she wants to emulate. I do not want to be a "do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do" kind of mom for her. I want to be able to set an example worth taking note of. I want her to grow up strong, and independent, and in touch with who she is, and I want her to be able to say she wants to grow up to be just like her mom. And, I want her to know what she wants, and what makes her happy so that should she choose to get married and have kids she won't make my mistakes. Oh, she'll make her own, no doubt, but they will be her own.

So, thank you for the comments. I really did take a good look and I did waver, but in the end, I really do still believe I've made the right decision and have more conviction than ever.

Too Little Too Late

2006-09-18T23:04:00.000-06:00

My husband is making this much harder than it was supposed to be. I never expected this separation to be easy - we have a lot of history and a very strong bond. I've already mentioned some of the things that bothered me - mostly that I felt I was so alone. I felt I was alone in making decisions, alone in taking care of household chores, alone in taking care of the finances, alone even in taking any interest in intimacy. I want someone who is a full partner, someone who wants to be, literally, a full 1/2 of a whole.

Over the past 2 weeks, with the separation date looming, he is becoming a changed man. If I go to clean the kitchen, I will suddenly hear the vacuum in the next room. If I keep going, the dusting is miraculously taken care of while I clean the bathroom. The litter box and the garbage bags are changed while I do the dishes.

How do I say that it's not enough? How do I tell him that it's too little too late?

He hasn't held me or even held my hand in over 9 months. He hasn't tried to make love to me in years, and while we have had sex during those years it was detached, and mechanical, and even that hasn't happened in a good long while! I am willing to admit that I haven't always been.... aproachable, but he of all people should know that I thrive on physical contact - he is my husband! He loves me enough to try to change. He doesn't want to end the marriage - I do. The fact of the matter is that regardless of how clean the house is, or who does the chores in the end, I still don't have a husband. I have someone I love, who loves me. I have someone who now, after 15 years being together is willing to expend some effort to do what I have been asking him to do for what seems like forever.

I have been struggling for a week and a half over this. If he does love me enough to change, and puts in the effort without me.....nagging, I guess, for lack of a better word... Can he really change? Is he capable of becoming my husband? My partner? If I give him enough time, can our marriage become a real relationship?

The answer I was looking for, surprisingly enough, came from my daughter.

Saturday, I went out with a friend. As I was getting ready, curling my hair, my daughter came into the washroom looking absolutely crushed. "Mommy, where are you going?" I told her I was going out, but would be sure to sneak in for a hug and a kiss goodnight and tuck her in when I got home - she always makes me promise. That apparently wasn't the problem. "But if you go we won't be a family." Now, we are very, very careful about making sure she's not around when we discuss the separation, but I made a mental note to be even more careful in the future. I assured her that we were, and explained that since we were still a family when she visited her grandparents and wasn't with us at the time, the family unit would still be intact despite the fact I was leaving the house. She thought for a moment and decided I made a sound arguement. "But what will we do without you?" she said. (Now, that was just plain sweet, but I don't want to get trapped in a place where on top of everything else, I can't leave the house!!) I told her they would do lots of things and spouted off a list for her. "But, who will take care of us? Daddy and I need you" At this point my heart was breaking a little. At 3 years old, this was a very real fear for her, and with what was coming up..... "You can take care of each other" I said. "You won't need me, I promise."

And then came the answer.

"Yes we do, mommy. Who will make us a snack or get us a drink if we get thirsty? If we spill our drink who will wipe wipe wipe?" (again, smart, but still only 3!) I know she kept talking, but I had already stopped listening. I just stared at her for a few seconds - it seemed like forever!! I smiled and told her everything would work itself out and if any of those things should come up, she could tell her dad how mommy does it and he would do it exactly the same way, and that they would figure it out together.

If that's how my own daughter sees me, how do the other people in my life see me? How can I possibly look at my own reflection without being mortified and ashamed?

I was online this evening with a friend, and without knowing this exact event, he was very reassuring. In talking to him, I know that I'm taking the steps I need to take (baby steps, yes, but steps nonetheless) and that I'm going in the direction I need to go.

My husband may be willing to change, but I cannot see him changing enough, nor should I expect him to. He is who he is, and hopefully this experience will teach him something - something about who I am, something about relationships, something about himself - I don't know. That lesson is his to learn, and his alone, and only he can figure out what it is, and if he'll take it to heart.

As for myself, the last couple of days have been a "booster shot" of confidence. I can make myself happier by getting out of a situation that is unhealthy for me. I realize that I deserve more out of my life. I can take steps to ensure my daughter grows up knowing that she deserves more out of her life...... If I can do all of these things that impact or will impact so many lives just by standing strong in a decision that I have already made, then really, the hard part of this is over.

Brain Cramp

2006-09-17T02:04:00.000-06:00

Over the last 2 days, I have been forced to really take a good look at myself. I have been compelled to evaluate and re-evaluate a lot of things, and as I'm really not used to that, I'm starting to get exhausted. All the thinking gave me a brain cramp :)

My entry for today is an additional paragraph in a previous post (Communication Ban), and that'll have to do till tomorrow.

Hope

2006-09-16T01:17:00.000-06:00

I mentioned in my very first post why I started this blog. One of those reasons was to help set my thoughts and my heart in order in a time in my life where I found myself floundering, trying to reconcile who I am and who I was, and who I want to be. I started this process in order to get in touch with my own heart and rediscover the person I thought I had lost.

A comment was posted yesterday that touched me. I stared at the computer screen for a few moments before I realized I couldn't see the words anymore for my tears. In reading the comment, I wondered: Is it possible that I never really lost who I am at my core?

I wonder if by letting myself become so stagnant, and not being true to who I once was (still am?) I simply lost sight of my own heart. I wonder if I never really went backwards like I thought I had, but only need to start growing again and moving forward. It certainly bears reflection, but I have hope now that may be the case. For that hope, Christopher Darrick Odom - I thank you.

Influences

2006-09-15T00:40:00.000-06:00

In mentioning that my best friend is an influence on me, I started thinking about other influencial people that I have been fortunate enough to know. There are two from my past that come immediately to mind.

He was a tall, good looking, intelligent guy with long dark wavy hair and incredible blue eyes. He was an ex biker (would still be except for an accident that left even driving a car unadvisable) and we had so much in common. We read the same books, liked similar movies, shared each other’s taste in music, and could speak openly about absolutely any topic - nothing was off limits.

Our very unique friendship lasted about 5 years, during which we spent almost every free moment we could together. We had every coffee break and lunch break together that our schedules would allow (about 8 times a week). We spoke on the phone almost all day twice a week, and still never ran out of things to say. We would walk and talk in the park, meet for coffee when we had the same days off - anything we could do to spend time together. The beginning of the end of our relationship was when we both left our respective jobs at the mall where we both worked, and I moved across the city. I would go across town to the new mall where he worked just for coffee/lunch, and we still spoke on the phone whenever we could. He even came over to the new apartment to visit once after I moved.

One day he called, and I just never called back. I have thought about him often, wondering how he's doing, what's going on in his life. He had such a unique view of the world, and it was both bizarre and comforting to me to find someone who held the similar views of religion, and spirituality - something I thought just wasn't possible at the time . It was refreshing to have someone so open minded and insightful in my life. I wish we had stayed in contact - I like to think we would still have been really great friends.

In taking this journey back to the person that I truly am, I realize that he was one of the major influences in my life. He taught me a lot of things about finding our place in the big picture - how we "fit in" in relation to life from a more.... universal (?) .... perspective.

I wonder why I wrecked that relationship – he really was an amazing guy.

The second one that I immediately think of was a co-worker's boyfriend at the time I met him. Again, a tall good looking guy with long dark hair, again, very intelligent. He was honest and open with piercing blue eyes that seemed to search your very soul when he looked at you. When they broke up he called me to talk. I had no idea why - I had only met the guy a few times, and the three of us had gone for coffee once, but aside from that we had no contact. I'm glad he did call. We became very good friends.

His view on life also struck chords with me and my beliefs - how we, as mortal beings, each played our roles in evolving our souls, how we are all capable of so much more. He was so accepting of things in life and love and his fellow man - things that I would have railed against and protested. When my hackles rose, he would calmly present to me another side, a different perspective, and he almost always left me stammering, unable to come up with an arguement. I loved our conversations about life and love; about being religious and being spiritual; about destiny and faith. He was an incredible guy with endless compassion and an unlimited ability to learn and grow.

Where is he now when I could so use his advice and his guidance? He was a restless soul and often took refuge in the mountains. He would leave abruptly without telling anyone, and weeks later he would show up just as suddenly. One day he left, and he never came back. I called, left message after message - first to his family, then to an answering machine, then to no one at all. The number was disconnected. I miss him. I hope that wherever he is, he is finally truly happy.

For My Best Friend:

2006-09-14T00:50:00.000-06:00

There have been so many things going on in my world but I'm not sure how I got this far without mentioning her - she is such an influence in my life.

My best friend is an amazing woman. She is a devoted wife, a phenomenal mother, and an incredible friend. She knows very clearly what she wants out of life, and what she doesn't, but should she ever be faced with indecision (life happens!) she, more than most people I know, has the ability to reconcile her head and her heart and do what she feels needs to be done, no matter how hard that may be.

She is straightforward, and blunt to the point that some may find her almost rude, but you will never wonder where you stand with her. No matter what your question or dilemma, you will always get her honest opinion, whether it's something you want to hear or not. And even at right about 5'4" she can still tower over anybody! She possesses an inner strength, a fierce determination, and a compassion most people strive for and still she has wished she was more.

I don't think that I reflect often enough of how lucky I am to have her in my life. She is more than my friend - she is closer to me than any members of my biological family and I'm proud to call her my sister.

She's recently been forced to face challenges in her life - putting decisions she's made and the kind of person she's been throughout the stages of her life under a microscope. I hope I can be the same unwavering support to her now when she needs a friend that she has been to me for the past 13 years.

Losing Myself

2006-09-13T17:15:00.000-06:00

I am a time sensitive person. It means that time is important to me and that I get anxious and unnerved when there's not enough of it. I want time with my family, time with my partner, time for myself - I don't like feeling rushed, or that I'm being pulled in 52 different directions at once.

I used to do a lot of things for a lot of people. I would run errands for my own household, run errands for my parents, or run them around the city to do it themselves. There were dinners at the in-laws house every few days, and helping friends and family members with whatever they needed (for example: moving - did a lot of packing and moving and unpacking and....). The thing of it was that I tried to do as much as I could and I went running every time someone asked me to. On top of it all, I tried to fit in a social life, and a family life - my own family life - and keep up with all of the stupid day to day stuff. Usually, it wasn't a problem trying to juggle everything - time was always too tight, schedules always too inflexible, but everything got done in the end.

One day, I snapped. It took a little while, but I managed to cut a lot of the crap out. Dinner at the in-laws was reduced to once a week, my parents had to find their own way to pay bills, and run errands, and get to and from work (they now have a reliable vehicle, thank God!). The friends I knew would be there if we should need them weren't affected - I would still jump and run no questions asked should they ever need anything - but those friends were few.

I wonder every now and then if I may have gone a bit overboard. Cutting down on the time that I was willing to give and forcing people to adjust to the changes did do some damage - my parents make a big deal about asking for anything now and always turn it into a huge drama. They remain sulky and bitter about it, and it's certainly affected my already strained relationship with them. My in-laws took their time about coming around, but I think in the end they respect me and my decision to put me and my family first. At least they act like it. They never seemed to take our lives into consideration when it came to planning family events. Now, though, they will ask me what I think is best, how things fit into our plans, and honestly, it feels kind of good, and I appreciate their respect.

I had dreams of going for walks with my daughter, playing at the park, spending leisurely days staring at shapes of the clouds drifting by....... then POP went the fairy tale bubble...

With everything comes a price. I had put my foot down about my time. I took back part of my life and made it my own again. I now had the time to spend with my daughter, my closest friend, my husband, myself. And it backfired completely. What I ended up with was a lot of free time doing nothing, and realizing I was bored and unhappy, but unwilling to give up what I had worked so hard to get back.

I think that subconsciously I put a lot of effort into convincing myself it was my job. That must be it, stressing me out and making me cranky. Just when I was about to quit, they offered me a different position. It was a lateral move, but it meant I didn't have to put up with the same crap. Oh, there would still be crap, but it would be different! For a while I was happy there. Then it started again. It must be the company - the policies, the politics......

If the job wasn't the problem, then it must be my social life. My best friend and I committed to a once a week outing - coffee, shopping, dinner and just visiting. Again, for a while it made me think I was happy. I certainly enjoyed getting out, and spending time with her, but it didn't seem to be enough. I had fun when I was out, but just walking through the door made the weight on my shoulders feel almost heavy enough to drive me to my knees. It almost felt worse 'cause I had just been out, having fun, and being free of it. To feel it crushing down on me so instantly was stunning.

I know now that it was my marriage I was unhappy with. As soon as I admitted that to myself I realized a few things. My job sucks, but so do all jobs, and all in all this one's not really that bad. The problems in my marriage, mostly stemming from lack of communication were fully 1/2 my fault. Neither one of us can bear the blame for this alone. I was also unhappy with myself - I was no longer the person I thought I was, or the person I saw myself as, or the person I wanted to be. It was almost like I gave up trying to be me, and conformed to what people expected me to be.

And I guess that explains the About Me description line. I firmly believe that if I can find who I am again, that if I can just be... me... a lot of other things will fall into place. Not that I won't have to work for them, but I think that the opportunities to have or do or be those other things will come to me. I'm done conforming to fit other people's expectations. I'm done sacrificing parts of me to accomodate what other people need. I'm done losing myself.

Coffee Addicts

2006-09-12T00:32:00.000-06:00

I love coffee! Good, strong, full-bodied coffee..... loaded with Coffee Mate and sugar. Think rich, creamy, coffee flavoured syrup! (ok, not quite that sweet, but you get the idea!) I don't function properly without one in the morning (at least before I sit at my desk) and I can drink it right into the wee hours of the morning - huh, maybe why I see the wee hours of the morning?

At Tim Horton's I get a double-double (only because I find the coffee a bit weak) or a Cafe Mocha. 1/2 Glorious coffee, 1/2 Rich Creamy Hot Chocolate and topped with whipped cream. (make that 102 uses for whipped cream, folks.....who'da thunk it could be used on coffee?? :) )

There's a point, I promise, lol!

I was in the Tim Horton's drive thru today and as I waited in line, I noticed the guy in front of me order, drive ahead 2 inches, throw a Tim Hortons cup away, then proceed to drive up to the window for his next hit. I started thinking: My God! Maybe that's why there are so many Timmy's locations! Someone, somewhere has actually done the math, calculated the approximate average miles someone can drive before emptying their cup, and PRESTO! Another Tim Hortons! That would explain why there is a location on either side of the local mall, and a new one about 10 mins away from that.......that's 3 practically right by my house!

I started feeling kinda bad for the poor shmuck in front of me, till I looked down at the 3 empty Timmy's cups in my garbage........ at least his car is cleaner.....

What a Difference a Day Makes

2006-09-11T00:00:00.000-06:00

I really enjoyed yesterday. I finally got to spend an entire day with my daughter and it was awesome! We work Mon- Fri full time, so by the time I pick her up and we get home, make supper, prep (ok, prep a little) for the next day, get a bike ride and a play at the park in, read books, then get her off to bed, there's very little time to be a really great influence. Yes, she appreciates the playtime, but I mean the really great quality time that will shape her mind and her heart. On the weekend she visits grandparents, and we lose a lot of great time with her there too. I should feel fortunate that so many people want to have so much to do with her - not everyone is that lucky! - and I do.....usually. It's sometimes frustrating though. I feel like everyone gets to "parent" but me. When they have time with her it gets to be all about her. Ok, fine. I'll admit it - I'm jealous!

Yesterday was different on so many levels! Grandparents left first thing this morning on an out of town trip, there were no big list of errands to take care of 'cause we ran out of time during the week. Today got to be all about her.

She is such an amazing little person! I marvel at how smart and inquisitive she is, and I worry a lot about making sure that she's challenged and still making sure she can just be a kid. Her aunt (a family friend) dropped off some worksheets for her (and for me!!). She's a teacher's aide and does a lot of work with kindergarten students. There were mazes and "put the pictures in order" sheets, and pages where you had to match pictures that were related (boot and sock). I didn't have the heart to tell auntie that this was old news. She was done all the mazes and match ups in less than 10 minutes - she doesn't even think about them, she just does them.

The worksheets for me were things like how to best describe how to write letters (which is good, 'cause I suck!!), where her speech and language should be for her age (she was kind enough to include ages 4 and 5 'cause she's beyond the "age 3" sheets), where she should be developmentally in general, and how I can help her along. You should probably know that she pushes herself, the little sponge! I certainly didn't tell her she needed to know how to spell her name, or "mom" or "dad" for that matter. It wasn't me who insisted that she learn to count to 30, or that she start speaking Spanish. ( Thank you "Dora" and "Diego" - I now need to take a Spanish lesson to keep up to my 3 yr old daughter!!) She does all of this herself - she wants to learn and know and do everything.

I was driving along with her one day - it was a good year ago - and she says to me: "mom, do you know what I want to be when I grow up?" I asked what, expecting her to say something oddball like "a clown" or "an explorer like Dora". She said to me: "I want to be a doctor so I can use a stethoscope". Now granted, her pronunciation was less than stellar, but it was clear. "and what do you use a stethoscope for?" I asked, slightly amused. She looked at me like I had been sniffing the bad dollar store glue and should be sticking to a proper brand name like "Elmer's". "To listen to your heart, mom". Yup. I'm in trouble!!! (side note: she now wants to be a busdriver and a pilot)

She says and does stuff like this all of the time and just when I get nostalgic at her being so grown up and mature ....... that's when she grabs her heel, lifts her foot to her head, and brushes the hair out of her eyes with her toes!!! Maybe I will be ok, after all!!

Yesterday we went and did a bit of shopping at the mall. She got a new book - always a hit! They have a little playpark there - a couple of slides, and a jungle gym thing. She had a blast. We got to watch a Strawberry Shortcake movie, have a full 3 meals together, and a play at the outdoor park near our house. I took the swing beside her and it was fun till she decided she wanted me to jump. I don't even want to dwell on how long it's been since I jumped off a swing set!! I did manage to land on my feet, though, so .......that's something! Then it was off to the slides. I had started a trend, though, and yes, after a little begging and a whole lot of "please, mom"s, I went down the slide too. I had a lot of fun. Trudging barefoot through slightly damp sand (rained in the morning) and just being with her - I mean really being there. It's days like this I hope she remembers - I know I will.

We tucked her in after a book and a princess story (her name, and all about her day) and I asked her the 4 end of the day questions. My friend asks her daughter after school "what did you do that was good?" and "what did you do that was bad?". I really liked the idea, but, of course, had to put my own spin on it! I asked her those 2 questions, then added the other 2. "what did you do for someone else?" and "what did you do that was just for you?". She always has an answer. God-willing, she always will.

Stupid Little Things

2006-09-10T01:15:00.000-06:00

Not a whole lot to write today. I'm feeling restless and think I need a "project" of some sort. Every now and then I'll get this way, and need to clean out and reorganize a closet, or line the kitchen drawers with new Mac-Tac. I'm thinking I may recover the kitchen chairs this time. The staple gun I got for Christmas hasn't seen near enough use! I don't know.

Actually, I'm feeling a bit guilty. My husband is supposed to move out at the end of the month, and as I looked around the house trying to think of what I could do or wanted to do for this project, it made me think about how life would be different, and I couldn't get upset about it. For example: no sense cleaning out a closet, 'cause once his stuff is out it'll look clean anyway. I love the guy, but since we don't talk or even interact much (and haven't for some time) it's like he's been gone a while anyway.

I started to think about how I could finally have people over - any people, no one special in mind. I could cook dinner or have BBQs for friends, we could watch movies, play cards or games or whatever. Not that he ever said we couldn't or that he didn't want to, exactly , it's just that he never seems to relax when people stop by. And in all honesty, the way the house is now, I don't know that I want anyone over anyway. He's just as bad as my 3 yr old when it comes to leaving crap all over the place. (He's a bad influence on me too, 'cause I'm finding myself starting to do it - I really have to watch!) The big difference is my daughter will put stuff away when I ask her to, and if she doesn't then I can at least pull rank and make her do it anyway!!

I can finally make the bed the way I want to. He's compromised with some things, here - like making it at all! And it took a while, but I can pull the sheets nice and tight when I tuck them in (the whole point of "tucking" if you ask me - he doesn't like them tight across his feet, and I like them pressing against me. Sounds dumb, but it makes me feel comforted and secure - same goes for heavy blankets or comforters). I bought a beautiful, plain dark grey duvet cover with matching pillowcases. He takes his off and switches it for another case 'cause he doesn't like the marks left on the dark ones when he drools in his sleep. Ok, but I don't have the time to switch it back in the morning, and (maybe dumb again) I like walking into the bedroom and seeing a beautifully made bed. I can also add the extra pillows if I want, and throw an extra blanket on without making sure it's only on my side.

I'll finally be able to do something with the basement. It's been a big storage area for 3 yrs now, and I've cleaned it twice only to have more crap thrown down there with absolutely no regard for maintaining what precious little organization is there. I'm not expecting perfection here, folks, but I don't think it's too much to ask that the new crap is set in a corner or something instead of having it collect in the middle of the room. I've asked if he would go down there with me - just a few hours would do the trick I think if there were 2 of us, but it just never happens.

It's stupid little things like that, and I can't help but feel petty and nitpicky. Isn't marriage all about compromise? Maybe I always was too hard on him. I know that I'm more particular than a lot of people, but I don't expect everything to be perfect - things don't have to look like I live in a showhome - I'm more of an "everything has a place and should end up there at the end of the day" kind of gal. Really, I just wanted some of my stupid little things.....

Responsibilities

2006-09-09T15:58:00.000-06:00

I have always been the responsible one - and I'm tired of it!!! I look at the things I do in my life now and wonder why I ever let it get to this point. As I mentioned already, I'm the one who does all the cooking and cleaning. I take care of bills and banking. I do most of the grocery shopping (we all go, but I end up deciding what we buy), I run most errands and up until about 9 months ago, I was the one who interacted with my daughter the most.

From the time I was about 11, during the time my mom worked, I was the one who made dinner (dad slept a lot - I have no idea why - probably all the yelling and screaming and searching for flaws in everyone wore him right out, poor thing!), made sure homework was done, and made dinner again for when mom got home (she worked evenings and nights in a hospital). I was always home on time, always told them where I was going, who I'd be with. I had a whole itinerary ready for when I walked out the door! My brother got to vanish for hours without anyone knowing anything. He was younger, but he always got away with murder.

I used to perm my grandmother's hair while she chatted with mom and visited with my brother. I had to perm and cut my mom's hair too, for that matter. With grandma it was just a matter of mobility. It was hard for her to get around, and for someone who had no clue what I was doing, I usually did pretty good! With mom - well, she never went to a salon for whatever reason, and I guess she just liked having someone who could see her whole head do it for her instead of doing it herself!

From the time I started babysitting, I helped to pay the bills or groceries, or keep my parents in cigarettes(what? it was still better than them pawning or selling off my stuff! Technically they'd still owe me about $5000 for all the stuff and cash they "borrowed"). The better the "job" and the more money I made, the more I handed over. In all fairness, a lot of it did come back to me - maybe a few months later, but it did come back....

I mentioned that my husband and I stayed together for the last few months mostly for financial reasons. We don't have a lot of money to go around, but it's enough. The problem comes in with all of the extras needed to get a new place. There's rent and damage deposit, utility hook-ups, the extra furniture, the extra groceries, blah blah blah. I was originally going to get a second job so we could save up for all of those things, but honestly, I didn't want to and it's coming back to bite me in the backside now. There's still no nest egg so that he can move out and we can both live comfortably, and I was sure that was my fault. He is perfectly capable of getting his own second job! I shouldn't have to be responsible for him......should I? The thing is right after he moves out, it's Christmas, then right after Christmas he goes back to school - only for a couple of months, but it'll be hard on him. Do I suck it up and let him stay? or do I leave things as they are and help out financially? or do I opt for secret option 3 and let him leave and let him live his own life on his own? I just don't want to leave him high & dry like that. It's not fair to him, and it's not fair to my daughter. She'll be affected by him being completely broke. I don't mean material things, but I worry that he won't be able to deal with her effectively, and I don't want to come away as the favorite parent 'cause he's stressed and cranky. (I want to be the favorite 'cause I'm way cooler, lol).

Well, it's something I need to decide PDQ. Either way, I need another income. I could get another job, but I really don't want to see all of my "comfort zones" destroyed. Three people have suggested a phone sex line......huh.......they can't all be wrong, can they?? lol. I think I will stick to trying to make extra cash with the job I have - there are some options other than putting in a whole whack of OT, and I should look at them before I go crazy, quit my job and talk dirty to strange men all day!!

Switching gears......

2006-09-09T00:06:00.000-06:00

There are some things that cannot be shared. For instance, I will not disclose anyone's name as no one I know (that I'm aware of!!) knows about this blog as of yet, and in some cases they wouldn't appreciate their identity being shared. I can completely respect that. I also tend to shy away from certain details about things that would lead to someone clueing in to who I am and/or who I may be talking about. However.....

I've been looking at some of the other posts and am suddenly wishing I was a more succinct and powerful writer; more insightful and more "intouch" with myself and life in general. That will come in time I'm sure, (that's just one of the reasons I started this, really!) but I do want to take some time to look over the little I've written (relatively speaking) and be sure that I'm being completely honest with myself and anyone else who may stumble across what I've written. Otherwise this is all for naught.

That may take a couple of days. Ya know - read, reflect; read, reflect. I did promise myself that I would write everyday though, so these are stupid little things off the top of my head that I do share with people, should it come up, but that most of you reading this wouldn't know!

My favorite colour is purple - any shade except that pale lilac will do. I love lilacs themselves - we had a big lilac tree just outside of the front door, to the side of the front porch of the little house we shared with my grandma - but it's a pretty wishy-washy color!

My favorite flowers are callalillies, birds of paradise, and simple wildflowers.

MMMMMM, cheeeeeese....What's not to love? It goes with pretty much everything! I think cheese should be it's own food group.

Favorite times of the year: Christmas, Halloween, Summer and the beginning of Autumn. Big Xmas fan - big enough I could devote an entire post. Maybe I will! Halloween is just fun, folks - c'mon! I love everything about summer except for mosquitoes, and the beginning of Autumn is full of vibrant colors, warm sun, and cool, crisp breezes - it's like nature is showing off one last time before forced to be dormant. As to the rest - spring is cool, and wet, the last bit of Autumn is almost ominous - trees with bare limbs, yellowing patches of grass....harbingers of winter, which is just plain cold!! I hate being cold!

Oooh - there's another! I hate being cold! (yes, enough it bears being said twice!) Cool is fine, no problem with cool. Even now I spend my early mornings and my late evenings thinking about being wrapped in a blanket in front of the fireplace, or being buried under 3 or 4 blankets curled up in my bed. I don't dare start now though.... if I do, what will I treat myself to all winter?

I love musical theatre! I wish I could go more often, but have no one to go with. The last one I went to was "Hair" - a friend of mine was in it and he asked me to come, which is cool. Then he was in a nude scene I wasn't expecting. Not so cool!! I found it hard to look him in the eye....... ;)

Favorite all time movies are "Kismet" and "The Princess Bride". I love watching classic movies and musicals (30's 40's and 50's). Not so big on war movies or car flicks, but I'm not a guy, so.... That said, I'll watch pretty much anything, but it'll take some convincing to get me to sit thru a "chick-flick"!

I love watching Disney movies - I can't wait till my daughter is old enough (or more correctly, will sit still long enough - movies usually need to be done in 2 or 3 parts, still!!) to watch them with me! And I still love getting up on Saturday morning to watch cartoons!

My favorite ballet - ok, the only one I've gone to and the only one I see the need to go to! - "Dracula". I have a thing with my neck being kissed and bitten, and I found it very sensual and erotic!

Favorite books - too many to list, but my favorite author is R.A. Salvatore. He wrote the Dark Elf fantasy series. He's awesome, and out of all of his books there has only been one trilogy I couldn't get into. (Believe me, I really tried!!! I kept thinking: "but Salvatore wrote this - if I can just get past the first few chapters, it'll be awesome!") No such luck! I also love Terry Goodkind, and Robert Jordan. (Just a note: If you've read Goodkind's "Sword of Truth" and Jordan's "Wheel of Time" - is it just me? or are there almost too many parallels to be coincidental? I wonder who started what first? I may check - aren't there copywrite laws? or at least basic guidelines? common courtesy?)

This may have to be done in 2 or 3 parts too! My time is running out - people will be home soon, and the house doesn't clean itself!

Communication Ban

2006-09-08T01:23:00.000-06:00

My "communication ban" is really self imposed, but it’s been in place for so long that the work comes in getting info out, rather than ensuring the info stays close and guarded.

I want to have faith that what I have to say won't be ridiculed and belittled. I want to hope that not everyone will take what I have to say and twist it around. I want to believe that I can say something and have what I mean come across and that who I'm speaking to will understand what I mean. Another tall order? A friend once showed me that having faith and hope and believing in things were not necessarily synonymous with setting myself up for disappointment and heartache. Well, my conscious mind is completely on board. Unfortunately, my subconscious isn’t so easily convinced. It has too much history and experience to use for backup (as artillery?) and surfaces frequently (a bit less intensely now, but there nonetheless) to let me know that I must be an idiot, and that history will repeat itself. A constant struggle there.

My father aside, I grew up able to talk to almost anyone. Family, friends – I don’t recall there ever being a time when I had fewer than 5 or 6 people I could choose to talk to about anything, anytime. Sounds awesome except that no matter what I said, no matter who I chose to pour my heart out too – they always stabbed me in the back with it - destroying things like trust and faith. My grandmother was the only one who kept things confidential.....well, as much as she could. If she thought something was serious enough it should be addressed, she told my mother in confidence. It was more of a parental/concern thing, but it meant dad was told, and in our family, he was the one who addressed things. Something would always be blabbed to someone else or used to haunt me - in one instance, even years - down the road. (Mom still brings up something I said when I was about 8 or 9). My words could be turned against me, their meaning lost as they were twisted to fit what others wanted to hear just so they could come at me with claws out and teeth bared again.

My father thought that responsible parenting included knowing what your children were up to. A valid point, and one of the very few he's had. He would ask us questions constantly, not because he was interested in knowing, but because he wanted to ensure we weren't doing anything wrong - or illegal. It was a necessary interrogation, I agree, but neither one of us could give him answers that would satisfy him. We started off good kids, really! When we told him the truth, we were accused of lying, and when we evaded, we must be on drugs. When we reacted to being unfairly persecuted, we were smartasses, and there was hell to pay. We both ended up with welts across our backs and backsides and legs from the leather belt he wore to prove there was a price. He would rephrase questions and come at us out of the blue - just to try to trick us into saying that we were up to no good. And when these methods failed, he would just twist what came out of our mouths to suit the answer that he was expecting. He also subscribed to the theory that there should be no other opinion before his. That was one even mom had to live by. Almost everything any of the 3 of us said would be shot down, ridiculed, belittled..... you get the picture.

My whole life I've had to try to interpret things. If my mother mentioned that she was at the mall and listed off a million things that she did there, I would be expected to know that the one thing I was meant to pick up on is that the restaurant had a lunch special. This, of course, would clearly mean "we should go for lunch tomorrow". I wouldn't get it, and wouldn't be there for lunch or wouldn't bring it up (and hell would have frozen over before she "reminded" me!), so she got upset 'cause she felt I was ignoring her or abandoning her or something, somehow. I don't work that way, and I never have. I can't seem to grasp the hidden message! I realize now, though, that to this day, I look for it. From absolutely everything anybody says. I'm willing to bet that if I stopped wondering what it is they really wanted me to hear, I would get what they were actually saying!

That's the communication issue in a nutshell. I am sure that most things I say will be ridiculed, or not important enough to say. I look for the secret meaning behind what people say. Also, I'm sorely out of practise with being blunt and to the point. In trying to veil things and send the "hidden" message, I end up being unclear, misunderstood, and consequently feeling like no one listens. Is it really any wonder I stopped trying to communicate and share?

Recently, I've been working on trying to be just blunt and honest. The honesty is coming along surprisingly easily. I still think too much about what I say, though. And equally as bad, I bite my tongue about things when I feel a comment coming on. I need to work on saying what I want when I feel the need to say it. Can I get some brownie points here? LOL. At least now I'm thinking about how to word what I say to be straightforward instead of how to word what I say to make sure people are getting the "hidden" message!

Super-Ego vs Id?

2006-09-07T00:21:00.000-06:00

I've been "blasted" recently by two very close friends about how I need to think more of myself. (it was gently done and they mean well!) One tells me he'd like to hear me say things like "I'm beautiful and smart and sexy" and the other tells me the same thing in her own way - "you know you're all those things - Start acting like it!" Here's the thing. I know in my heart of hearts that I'm reasonably good looking - I can certainly hold my own, anyway. I'm intelligent (though not always so smart! LOL), and I have to at least come across as sexy. (I get hit on and propositioned a lot, though if you strip that down, it really only means the guy needs to get laid!) My friends husband once told her that I "ooze sexuality". I don't wanna think of oozing anything when it comes to sex, lol, but....I get what he meant!

It's just that I have a problem wrapping my head around the concept. There are insecurities and uncertainties (which go hand in hand) – mostly a result of my dad, I guess. Very few days went by when I wasn’t told how useless, or stupid, or ugly or fat I was. I have an incredible long-term memory and I remember this starting as far back as about 2 or 3 years old (Had to be. My brother wasn’t born yet!). I say this is mostly my dad, but mom didn't help any either. She'd hold and coddle and comfort me with one hand, and try to "fix" me with the other. From the time I was about 6 or 7 I was on diets. We would go on them together, and see who lost the most weight. I think she was trying to make it fun by turning it into some sort of game, but at 6 or 7 I was more interested in hopscotch and dodgeball, I'm pretty sure! I would get dressed and she would tell me that I hadn't picked the most flattering shirt or whatever. At that age, I know I wasn't responsible for buying the clothes, so......why did she buy it then? Wow. Writing this I realize I really did get it from both sides. From dieting to spending an hour at the kitchen table with a curling iron to (when I was older) offering to give me 10 cents for every blackhead and blemish I let her "take care of". No wonder I can sit in front of a mirror and identify every flaw!!!!

My father at least was more direct. As far back as elementary he would look at a straight A report card and decide that what really needed to be dealt with was the comment that I occasionally seemed distracted, or if I had glowing reviews across the board, he would grill me on why he never saw me do my homework. I remember one spelling test in grade 3 - I handwrote the words instead of printing them. An "n" was mistaken for an "m" and I got that one word wrong. That was worth the screaming comment "If you don't know what you're doing, don't f-n do it!" - at least he was nice about that one? Never mind that his 7 year old could manage handwriting! I remember (again, grade 3) being stunned with Dick and Jane books. Really? People were just learning this stuff??? I was taking Nancy Drew books out of the library by Grade 1!! For the record, if I was distracted it was because things were just too easy. I was always bored out of my skull!! He never saw me do homework because I never had any. We had those stupid workbooks for most subjects and I was always at least a month's worth of lessons ahead of everyone else just to have something to do!! In grade 5, the school board started the Academic Challenge program. There were 5 of us in that pilot group. When everyone was doing book reports on "I Am David" the 5 of us were reading "Dune" - I know I'm not an idiot, thanks! (sigh) It was like that every year until, in junior high school, with my lowest academic mark at 88 (yeah, only 85% in Phys Ed, which I'm not counting!!) the best he could say was that it was bullshit, and if I had bothered to apply myself I would have done so much better. That was the last straw. From there it all went downhill. By highschool I was only bothering to maintain a passing average, I was never in class (286 skips in grade 10 alone!) and really just didn't care. Didn't matter in the end. I dropped out to get a job and get out. Ok, I dropped out to get a job and end up paying their bills, but that's another story!!

Anyway..... if ever I made a mistake, it was always a lecture about paying attention to every little thing or I would be a complete failure, and I never seemed to pay enough attention. In his defense, I guess, he would know!

Well, you may not know it from the rant, but I've reconciled a lot of that. The evidence present in my friends and the people who love me goes to discredit a lot of that. If I were really so horrible no one would come anywhere near me, right? I could be focusing on all the bad things: I'm packing some extra pounds, my hair could be healthier, shinier, less flat, my teeth could be whiter, my skin could be clearer... I can go on, believe me!! But instead I choose to focus on things like: I have a decent figure despite the extra pounds, great boobs, an almost perfect lip line, teeth are straight if nothing else - so I have a good smile, skin isn't all broken out and gross....I could go on with that, too. I choose to keep my hair long and I choose to put an ungodly amount of time into my gel nails 'cause they make me feel good. I dress the way I do because I feel sexy wearing those clothes. And, while I occasionally am overcome with some basic insecurities, or a "feeling frumpy" stage, I have developed the theory that if you like how I look, you should go ahead and take a gander. If you don't, you're welcome to just not look. I've always thought I was doing fairly well with how I saw myself. Honestly - I may be hesitant to think too much of myself in a lot of respects, but I really am very comfortable in my own skin.

That said.....Fine! I'll work on it, ok?

Wow. This is so awkward writing this down when I know that anyone could potentially read it.

I guess that's the communication thing, and that'll have to wait till tomorrow. I have to be up in 4 hrs, and I'm kinda tired.

A Break From the Introspective

2006-09-06T00:08:00.000-06:00

I could go on for pages and pages about all my feelings and thoughts and moods. I could ramble for hours about the people in my life, what I need from them and what I want them to need from me. I could analyze my childhood and how things I experienced affect how I act and react to things today.... and rest assured I will!!! That's the therapy part of this, true. Another part of this is to finally let go, stop being so guarded all of the time. To let people really know all of the stupid things that make me tick. I'm really not the sappy depressed person I may have come across as in my last posts. I'm just going thru crap like everyone else is. So, I thought I'd try something a bit lighter.....

I mentioned starting voice lessons in a previous post. I still only have those same 2 lessons under my belt!! Not because I wanted to stop, but because my instructor keeps spouting theory and I really never learned any.... ok.....retained any! So, I needed to take a break, and check "Idiot's Guide to Music Theory" out of the library. (Which honestly I never read 'cause I finally got hold of "Chainfire" by Terry Goodkind and wanted to get into some brain candy instead of learning anything at the time!!) I need to check it out again. Also, he was moving and dropped all of his students for a couple of weeks. He's a good guy, and an excellent teacher. His fees are very reasonable, and he's flexible with his schedule. He says I have beautiful virbrato, my voice is best suited to jazz and blues (which works for me 'cause I love singing them), and if that wasn't enough, he says I remind him a little of Mariah Carey. Yup. He gets my money - The End. Voice lessons resume week after next.

I'm not taking the lessons 'cause I want to do anything with them. I have no desire to be a singer, or impress anyone except maybe my daughter! I don't even know if I would go to a Karaoke Night - though I did promise my best friend that I would as long as she got her ass up there with me! I'm taking them for the same reason I want my Class 1 and Class 6 licences (for any street vehicle you can think of!) and my forklift ticket and my pilot's licence (From what I hear the one for "Ultralights" aren't that hard to get!). I wanna do it just 'cause I can - and so I can say I have them.

I love music! I don’t just mean listening to the radio on the way to work. I mean I really love music! Music can change my mood, lighten my heart, and lift my spirit. I have a very ecclectic taste in music, and enjoy pretty much everything but hardcore rap. Hard rock and metal have an edge that I love, and Country music - the stuff I listen to – is mostly lighthearted and fun, but still relates to situations that almost everyone has been in at some point in their lives. I love going to the clubs with the girls and letting the Dance music’s heavy bass pound through my body. It makes me want to move and for the time I'm on the dance floor, I feel completely and absolutely free! Jazz and Blues are powerful and profound. The lyrics and the emotion behind them come straight from the soul.

Music is an integral part of my life. In elementary, I played the violin, I was in the band in junior high, and was in choral music and took voice lessons in high school. Since then, I have done a lot of singing on the Karaoke at home (there’s even a tape of me kickin’ around somewhere!) and taken more voice lessons. I don’t see myself as a singer, but I’ve been told I have a nice voice. I have always seen myself with someone who appreciated music as much as I do. I don’t mean to say that he would need to be a singer or a musician (though that would be very cool!), I just mean that I’d want him to appreciate music and want our house filled with it. I think the coolest thing I could ever do is musical theatre. The problem is that I’m not so good a singer I could be on stage, I really can’t act, and I think having any group of people focusing their attention on me would make my heart either explode from pounding so hard, or stop altogether. Either way, there would be the whole collapsing-to-the-ground and possible-death factors that I don’t think I’m really up for, thank-you!!

I guess I need to get over that too! My voice instructor is very, very into concerts - just retirement homes and hospitals, that kind of thing. I'm a bit leery, though, that if I agree, he'll try to push for bigger and better and again, since that isn't the point of this (and since people staring at me will give me anxiety attacks!!) I'm not so sure that onward and upward is right for me in this case!

Huh.....it just occured to me how silly that sounds. I say I want to do all sorts of things for absolutely no reason but to say I did them, then say that I don't want to do something 'cause it's not the point. (sigh) No need to say it.....I realize I'm a goof! Well, then, how 'bout I agree to some baby steps here. I won't fight the retirement home concert when it comes up (and it will!!) and agree to THINK about any other performance opportunities should they arise (and they may or may not). Good....compromise good....

See? This is helping already.....

Right?

For the Record

2006-09-05T15:47:00.000-06:00

I've had some issues lately with people saying or doing exactly the wrong thing. It's not their fault, I guess, but I would expect that if they know me at all, and can't find the right thing to do or say, they would at least shy away from the things they know are going to piss me off! I can't possibly manage to cover every little detail, but.....

For the record:

I mentioned that I'm a touchy-feely kind of gal. There is almost nothing that being held and shown that I'm loved will not fix. That said...

If I am sad or upset about something, I want to be held. When I am frustrated, and at a loss, I want someone to take my hand and draw me in and kiss me with that subtle intensity that empathizes and renews. I want those few moments where the world stops and I am just.... comforted. That moment where I can catch up to myself and take the deep breath and start over again.

When I'm happy, I am playful, I will want to tease and be teased. That's when I'm at my best with sarcasm and retorts. My tongue will likely be sharp, but you can tell I'm teasing by the gleam in my eye and a silly smile that I make a half-hearted attempt to hold in, knowing full well that there's no way I can.

When I'm tired or worn out, feeling eroded by the world, I just want to know someone is there. I want someone to sit close to me, maybe hold my hand. Nothing even needs to be said, really, I would just like feel as though there is strength nearby and someone is willing and able to lend it to me, if only for just a while.

When I am angry, I want someone to listen. I do not want to be placated - giving me everything you think I could possibly want to make me happy will only make me crankier. I don't want to be avoided either, though. Just understand I may not be into a lot of things at that moment, but that I will get over it. I want my own space and my own room to breathe, but will appreciate the company of someone who cares when I cool down and feel exhausted from my own anger.

When I am content and relaxed, I want those great conversations, and steaming cups of coffee, the fireplace lit, curled under a blanket. For the record, those things will also make me feel content and relaxed!

Again, a hug or a smile or a touch will go a long way regardless of my mood....

I do not expect that I will surround myself with people who will know exactly how to react at every turn, nor do I want to. If I am sad and angry, how do you give me room and space and still hold me close? Also, I do appreciate the attempt at levity to ease some tension from certain situations (though I know very few people who would do that, so sometimes it takes me a minute to appreciate it :) !) Some reactions will just come from the moment, and everything is always influenced by the events taking place just then.

OH!! I almost forgot!

When I'm stressed and tense, I want a massage! :)

About Me

2006-09-05T01:11:00.000-06:00

I don’t know where I should even start. All I know is that I am bent, bound and determined to get everything I need to say said. I’m hoping that by writing it will grant me a new perspective on things. Best case scenario – I figure things out and become stable and whole again. Worst case – I become a little less unstable because I got some things off of my chest.

I am in my early 30’s, decent looking, married (soon to be separated/divorced) and I have a beautiful, smart, amazing 3-year-old daughter. I work at a less-than-challenging, not-so-great paying job, and that alone would be enough to make me quit, but there are some advantages. I can come and go almost as I please, I don’t mind the work I do, and I really like most of the people I work with. So far, that’s enough to make me stay. I wonder, though, that as I break free of all of the things that give me comfort rather that contentment, if I will still feel that way in 6 months, or a year from now.

About 4 months ago, I started writing to clear my head. My first entry explained what brought me to this point the best, so I've chosen to use it here.

"I sit here in the quiet house; the darkness broken only by the computer screen and the tv set flickering in the background. I wonder how I came to this point in my life, marveling at how far I’ve come and how far I’ve fallen – and I can’t help but question how they could have occurred simultaneously. Is it a bizarre paradox designed to make me look within myself for answers to questions I haven’t thought of yet? Or is it just that my perception is so skewed that I’m missing the point of it all?

I have a beautiful daughter that I absolutely adore, a best friend who knows me better than I know myself sometimes, a husband who loves me, and who I love, but not as a wife should, and a man I love - ironic they are not one and the same. I have family and other friends who I talk to all of the time. Why then, when I need someone to be there for me the most, am I finding myself so completely alone?

I know that a lot of my current problems are my own making. I have stewed about so many things for so long and remained such a bystander in my own life, that now, with my marriage over, and my best friend out of synch, and the man that I love in the new capacity as my friend, I have no solid, unwavering presence in my life to be the rock I need to make it through. That leaves it up to me to figure it out, get over it, fix it - whatever I need to do - by myself.

My husband loves me – body, mind and soul – he adores me. Sadly over the last decade he’s only managed to tell me that once. It was when he found out that I was having an affair. Over the course of that discussion, which was oddly not nearly as painful for me as I would have thought, we talked about each other’s failings. As people, as spouses, and as parents. My husband finds communicating very difficult, though, and I really did most of the talking. We discussed how he doesn’t show affection, how he never has anything to say, how I have sexual needs and appetites that he doesn’t seem to have any interest in fulfilling, and how he needs to be more active in our daughter’s life. I started to feel like I was bashing him, so I ended that part of the conversation. It was his turn. What could I do to be a better wife? Mother? Lover? Friend? He said "nothing" and pretty much clammed up. And so ended that.

We gave ourselves 6 months to get our act together and either come together as a couple or separate/divorce and have done with it. Over the next 6 months, nothing really changed. That was in no small part due to my affair, but there was no change on his part either. In his defense, this whole catch-22 situation had been going on for years. I was upset about something, usually that he sits on his ass all day while I do all the cooking, cleaning, waiting on him and my daughter hand and foot. Oh, to be fair he did the occasional load of dishes, he runs the garbage out the whole 20 feet to the dumpster, and his permanent job is laundry. The dishes often need to be run through twice – he didn’t rinse them and the dishwasher sucks – or the garbage would overflow the garbage bag until I changed it then he would come running over to "help", and often I don’t get any of my clean clothes until Tuesday so Monday is more of a headache trying to figure out how I get to work without being naked!

The point is: I would get upset, he would say how sorry he was, that he knows he needs to help out more, that he’s gonna change, and for a glorious 3-7 days, he really does! After that, though, he reverts back into his old habits, and I let it go at the beginning - no one is perfect and even I manage to miss things or forget or mean to do things but don't get around to doing them! Then I let it go out of frustration and bitterness, then later I say nothing because I’m too busy seething about it to bother. I think he thought it may just blow over again. This was different, though. When our 6-month window was up I thought about how to get out of this. We really hadn’t spoken much in the 6 months except about mundane things, nothing important, and communication was one thing I insisted we work on. I thought about what I was lacking. It must be something or I would just be able to approach him and let him go. My life is a great comfort zone, and they are very hard to break out of. I decided I was lacking the strength to break free. How do I gain strength? This is not physical – that would be easy. There are formulas and products and gyms for that. How do I give myself inner strength? Well, in order to be strong, I guess you need confidence – something I know has been less than abundant for quite some time. I picked stupid little things to help build it – I bought an exercise bike and thought: if I can lose 10 lbs this month and 40 in total, I will know I have the strength and willpower to do what I know I have to do. I lost 12 lbs in 3 weeks. Ok. Why don’t I feel ready? Better, yes – ready, no. I started voice lessons. It took some time to coordinate, and some time to implement. At the time, I had only just paid for the lessons. To date I have 2 lessons under my belt and its been pretty much a month and a half. Still, it’s something right? I did feel better – almost ready even, but when is a good time to tell the man you’ve been with since high school that its over?

A friend (?) took me out for lunch the day before my birthday, and spoke to me of his recent divorce. It made me realize that it was actually my daughter I was most concerned with, and I thought I had already gone over that in my head. His kids were fine. Mine would be too. That evening, as I got supper ready, my husband came into the kitchen and just held me. I started to cry. I asked him why, when I had absolutely had all I could take, why did he manage to do exactly the thing I had wanted him to do from the start? He always did this! Just when I would be about to snap about stupid things like housecleaning, and resolved to talk to him about it, he would do the unimaginable, and vacuum.....

Since I had already opened the floodgate, I said we had to talk. Once our daughter was in bed, we did just that. It was the most bizarre conversation that a married couple could ever have. He said he was upset that I did this before my birthday, and that after my birthday he was going to leave me. We calmly discussed that sometimes love isn’t enough (a comment that as I write I realize I should have hung onto in my head!) and then discussed splitting up furniture, and decided on a rough custody plan. It disturbed me that it was so easy. Over the next couple of days it became let’s stay together for a month (financial), then let’s have one last really great summer (for our daughter’s sake). I was fine with the first, not so fine with the second, there were some alarm bells, but I am resolved in this, and this will be over in three months time. "

I married my high school sweetheart after dating for 9 1/2 years almost to the day. We had our share of problems, what couple doesn’t? My biggest problem is that I wanted a partner who would work with me to make things happen in our lives. Turned out that he wanted things to magically (?) work themselves out and drop into our laps. I wanted someone who listened and wanted to make me happy. Turned out he had selective hearing! I honestly don’t want to bash the guy - he could do the same to me. I would love to be able to blame him, but it takes two. We recognize a lot of our issues, and our marriage is over because we can’t seem to resolve them. He really is a good guy, and he’s a good father, and I hope we will be good friends for the rest of our lives.

My Knight In Shining Armour

2006-09-04T00:46:00.000-06:00

And so it begins:

The last few years have been quite a trip for me – the last 2 especially. I took the first steps in a long time on the path to self-realization. I was forced to analyze what was important to me, and what was negotiable. I had to face the fact that over time I had let myself become stagnant and still. All of the things that I had given up over the years, the things I saw as "negotiable" were actually the little things that made me happy – reading, learning, pushing myself to be more and to do more with my life, music, more friends than I could possibly keep up with, big get-togethers or quiet evenings with my family and our friends, the list could go on and on.

I’ve lost more and more time to just relax and enjoy life. For instance, I give up the time curled up on the couch with a good book to make sure that the house is clean and the dishes are done. My daughter comes before almost everything else. Time spent watching a movie or TV with my husband (while not exactly quality time – still time together!) before time I need to take any personal time (my eyebrows don’t pluck themselves, ya know!).

I make a point of going out with my best friend at least twice a month. We try for once a week and usually it works, but ….sometimes life happens and we end up going every second week. But even that has a consequence. Either something doesn’t get done and I play a bit of catch up or my husband thinks that time out of the house is synonymous with time to get away from him. He’s better now, but for a long time he moped the whole next day ‘cause I went for coffee with my best friend! In return for all of my concessions, I got a life that was comfortable, a family that appreciates on some level what I put in, but still takes me for granted, and a restless soul that wants more. More for myself so that I can get more out of a life that is ultimately far too short, and so that I can be more for the people I love.

I guess the point is that I need to put all of this "trading off" behind me. I needed to take a good look at what I want out of life, out of my partner and our family, out of my friends, and most importantly for now, what I want out of myself.

I’m still working on life, family, friends, and myself. I think I have my partner figured out a bit better now, though.

I was asked once upon a time what my ideal man would be like - what would I choose if I could handpick everything I ever wanted? It came so out of the blue I couldn't think of much of a response! In fact I think I managed to come up with: "He needs to be someone who treats me and our children like gold" and "Someone who gets that Girls night is time to be with my friends, not time away from him". Yep, that’s it! I do know what I want though. This actually tells you a lot about me, as well. No, not that I'm unreasonable! It tells you about what kind of things I enjoy and what I hold as important.

-I want a man who has character - someone who has a sense of duty and honour and responsibility. Someone with a clear sense of right and wrong. He has morals and ethics and beliefs that he stands by, unwavering, but he understands that things are not always clear cut and black and white all of the time, and can work within his own boundaries to listen to his heart and still do what’s right.

-I want him to be involved - in the lives of his children, the life of his wife (theoretically, this would be me!! :)) with friends and family and within the community. After all, this is where we live, and where our children go to school. It's where we take walks, and bike rides, and we, as a family, should be part of the greater whole.

-He should be motivated! I want someone who has dreams, and hopes, and goals and plans - and he'll want to share them with me, to give him input and opinions, and support.

-He is passionate and enthusiastic about life and his convictions, and he is compassionate and gentle when it comes to his/our friends, and our families and me. Just as a side note, he should also agree that often, while not blood relations, some friends should absolutely be considered part of our family!

-He should have a great sense of humor! I'm a huge fan of sarcasm and love that back and forth banter that comes with it! Self-deprecating humour is also a big hit with me as long as it’s truly humour and not a shot at himself – I use it all of the time, but am confident that I’m not actually the "dumb blonde" I was in that one single moment!

-My man needs to be confident! I want him to know in his heart of hearts that he can do anything he sets his mind to, and all without being arrogant.

-He needs to be my rock – and he needs to be secure enough to let me be his rock.

-He understands that Ladies Night Out and Guys Night Out are important! We each need time with our own friends, to have our own lives – it’s a fine line between "sharing our lives" and "sharing a life", but it’s an important one. The first implies two people coming together, building a life together as a couple, and the second implies a loss of identity that will ultimately destroy us.

-He has to be my partner. This is non-negotiable. I want equality across the board. There will be phases throughout our lives that will result in a lack of balance, yes (ie: sickness, a couple of nights away – whether it be work related or a fishing trip or a camping weekend with friends, etc.) but ultimately there should be equality. A relationship, a family and a household require constant maintenance. I don’t care if I’m doing all the cooking and cleaning, so long as the fence is mended and the eavestroughs are cleaned out and the lawn is mowed. Conversely, I don’t care if I’m the one doing the fence and the eavestroughs and the lawn, so long as our other chores get done! Our kids are another matter. They need and deserve time with each of us and both of us and that’s what they will get.

-He is open-minded and willing to try new things, whether it be entertainment, food, or bedroom activities.

-He is one of the rare men who understand that I want to come first and that he comes first with me – not every second of every day, but in the grand scheme of things. I mentioned this to a friend and she looked at me like I was from another planet. The kids should come first!! When the kids are grown and gone, and we are alone together, looking at the rest of our lives, we will have nothing if our focus, and time and attention were always on our children alone. We need to be devoted to us, then the kids and our family unit.

-He needs to be a touchy-feely physical person. I am, and always want to hold hands, or cuddle, hug, kiss – I am just always compelled to show affection. That, I know, can irritate some (!) but he loves it and feels the same.

-He is intelligent – he doesn’t have to be a genius, but he is a reader and a learner for sure.

-He loves having family and friends over for dinners, or barbeques, or just a big ol’ party with boomin’ tunes and drinks and really great funky appetizers, just for fun.

-He should also, on a related note, be able to hold his own in the kitchen – he doesn’t need to be a chef, but I think cooking together would be fun!

-He puts our happiness and well-being and that of our immediate family first and above all else.

-He makes an effort to share my interests, and lets me make the effort to share his. I’d love for him to go to a ballet or a concert with me, on occasion, even though he may not be that into it, and I will gladly go to the driving range or the tractor pull or the car show with him – on occasion! – just to enjoy the experience and be together.

-He believes that communication is one of the most important parts of our relationship. When we’re 60 and the kids are grown and moved away, we need to talk, laugh, share, and still be a couple. Without the communication, we’re just old people in front of a tv or a picture window!

-He is always honest and open with me – always.

-He has expectations of what he wants from me in terms of being a wife, mother, lover, and friend and still….

-He loves and respects me for who I am.

All of this, and I still feel like I’m missing something! Sounds like a pretty tall order!
Funny thing about love. My man doesn’t need to be perfect. He needs to be perfect for me!

Just One Soul

2006-09-03T00:32:00.000-06:00

I want to tell just one soul everything about myself. I would like just one soul to know me better than I know myself and love me for who I am. I want to know just one soul the same way – every like and dislike, every hope and dream, every fear, every perceived "fault", and have the chance to love him for who he is.

I believed with all of my heart that I found that soul. Practically every day, he called me if for only a few minutes, just to say hi, and that he was thinking of me and that he loved me, give me some of the day to day stuff that made me feel more a part of his life. He was sweet and sensitive, spiritual and soulful, passionate and compassionate. He gave so much of himself to so many people in his life. The past few months we emailed each other usually at least once a day just to share tidbits and thoughts and feelings (some were heartfelt, a lot of them were day to day crap, and some were definitely explicit too!!), and he always told me how much he loved what I had to say and how he wanted to hear/know more. Over the course of our 11/2 year relationship, we had our tough times. We were both embarking on journeys of self-realization. We were both married to other people. We both struggled with insecurities. We even called things off and decided to just be friends. This last month especially was where I felt we finally started to get back into the swing of things and I felt that we were about to take a step forward in our relationship. As friends, we still flirted, and teased. We still grabbed a meal or a coffee. Very little had changed, and I made the mistake of thinking that there could still be more there. I have been working on a separation for a while now, and finally got the details finalized. We would at least have some time to sit back and relax and just be us. No pretenses, no wondering if we’d be seen, or making sure we didn’t look like we were "together". We were both (or so I thought) excited about the changes that were coming. One Thursday we were perfectly fine. Monday he said he was getting a divorce. Tuesday he set up a lunch date. We had to talk.

We had overcome trials and obstacles, restrictions and time constraints, and finally got to the place where we could finally be ourselves, be intimate and share our hearts, minds, and souls. I’m not going to lie and say I don’t feel a bit bitter. I feel foolish, and strung along. I’m really not a gullible person, but I believed him hook, line and sinker when he said he loved me, and that things would be so much better when we had time together. In fact, he made me believe that hoping and dreaming and having faith in someone wasn’t the same as setting myself up for disappointment. I’m not so sure how I feel about that now.

In his defence, we really never did define ourselves as being anything more than friends, and while I would love to be able slap him upside the head, the heartache is really my bad. We still care for and respect each other, and we will always be friends. Here's the part that makes me look like a complete idiot - I still think we were meant to be something great. I'm just now willing to concede that that may not be for a long time, or maybe in our next life. He also has a blog, and I can honestly say I'm not an option for him. That's ok. He is an awesome guy, and I'm glad he's in my life, even if only in the role of my friend.

I write now because I didn’t realize how much I wanted to give everything in me to just one soul. I had/have so much to say, and so much to give, and I want the opportunity to share all of those hopes & dreams and quirks and idiosyncrasies. Yes, I can write everything down, I can analyze my own life, and I can understand my own heart better. But, the bottom line is that it isn’t sharing unless someone else hears me – or in this case, reads me. So, if you should stumble on this and you should take the time to read it, I’m asking you to take the time and comment. I want the feedback, for good or ill. I want to be a better person for myself and for the soul I end up with, and I hope I can use this to understand myself better, so that I can understand others – others in general, but specifically that special someone. Writing this will serve as therapy of sorts, and the feedback will not only add to it, but let me feel like someone heard me.

My biggest fear in doing this is that people I know come across this, and assume that I am talking about them, or doing this for any other reason but for myself. In the event that's happening now, let me set the record straight. This is for me and no one else. This is about my life, and if you're in it, you will likely be referenced. That means that either you are important enough to me to include you in this process, or you are enough of a thorn in my side that I can't avoid mentioning you. Either way, if you are sure that you know me and you don't understand why I'm doing this or what I mean by what I just said, then you obviously don't know me well enough and you should probably either stop reading or keep checking in! :)

Communication and being open were not encouraged growing up, so this is hard for me. I’ve come a long way since then, and I have high expectations going into this. I want to get over my fear of letting people get too close. I want to let go of my insecurities. I want to find the person I know I am again, instead of living the life of the person I have become. I want to be able to lay open my heart and my soul, and finally complete a stage of personal growth and spiritual healing that began a long time ago.